How to host a dinner party, from cutlery to tableware and timing
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Whether you're hosting a full-on feast or an intimate dinner party, setting out your table correctly is not simply stuck-up protocol. The table guides the handling and flow of the meal.
Laying the table for each sitter indicates the correct use of each item set out in front of your guest, by where it’s positioned. But keep in mind, none of this really matters at all. Once your visitors are in place, that’s the last time you should notice what they choose to do.
Unless asked, don’t ever “help” by correcting slips in the formality of their manners, including what plate, fork or glass they reach for. That reflects directly on you — pure Hyacinth Bouquet. Suppose they hold their red wine glass happily aloft for a passing bottle of white. Fill it up.
You’ll certainly want something under each place setting as an aesthetic anchor, but that’s completely up to you. Sometimes the fuss around inevitable food and drink splashes on a clean white linen tablecloth causes more uproar than it’s worth. The only item I would not use for an adult dinner is an oilcloth. It’s just the wrong side of practicality.
Ensure plenty of elbow room at each setting, no less than 60cm per person, and at least 60cm behind each chair to pull them back easily. For areas where there is passing traffic, allow around 80cm behind the chair when it’s pulled up to the table.
If you’re serving a hot meal, and you don’t want to leave the setting empty at the centre, pick up some large white dinner plates (termed chargers) that can sit under the plate you’re actually bringing to the table with say fish or slices of meat. Sit these on your placemats if you’re using them.
Side plates are always to the left of the main place setting, and you can either put your napkins on the side plate or if you want to be very dressy, directly down on the dinner plate.
The old-fashioned rule is nothing should sit on top of the napkin, but I like to layer my napkins between the soup plate and dinner plate or charger. If they sit on the table alone, put the napkin under the knife to the right or to the left of the forks (both are fine — breathe).
Using proper napkins when eating? Just shake it open from a corner and drift it over your lap. Blot the mouth, rather than wiping down the entire puss like a Viking, and leave it on the chair if you leave the table during dinner. Done.
If you’re putting out butter or cheese knives, they go across the side plate with the blade to the left (away from the diner’s hand) — these are not used for cutting, just for spreading, so ensure the butter you present is soft enough avoid comic and awkward wrangles. If the table is long, it’s often better to give everyone their own little ramekin of butter and other condiments or to stage two or three portions down the table length.
Passing dishes is very companionable, but it doesn’t always work when people are getting oiled up and chattering. Salt and peppers used individually, go above the dessert cutlery.
Utensils work inward as the meal progresses. Forks are on the left, knives and spoons to the right. Your leading hand operates the knife, and sometimes the fork will be switched over to the right hand to scoop, once your knife is put down on the plate. A brilliant host will note and quietly set for lefties correctly (a touching bit of detail if you can manage it).
Ensure fork prongs are upward, and the knife blades face the plate. This looks tidy and shows off our cutlery to good effect. Steak blades out could also nick fingers resting on the table. For a classic setting, to the right, it’s soupspoon, teaspoon and knife going inward. It just depends on the order and nature of your courses. I prefer teaspoons left nestled on a cup and saucer at the meal’s end.
Again, be guided by the courses you’re serving. It’s perfectly fine to reset the tableware course by course if you want to, but that does keep you on your feet for longer. If you’re say adding a sorbet between dishes, there might be an extra spoon for example.
Even hosting the boss, don’t wind everything up so tightly in stifling, stressful etiquette, that no one can relax. What any guest will remember is how warm and congenial the night was, even if it’s paper plates and scoops of punch around the kitchen table.
If you’re serving a side salad, the smaller salad fork comes first, outside the main dinner fork. The spoon and fork stacked across the top of the place are for dessert. The dessert spoon faces the bowl left, the dessert fork tines right, with the spoon set over the fork.
It doesn’t matter how someone eats their dessert and tittering remarks about form are rude and ridiculous. A grown-up will have settled on their style by now. No one cares, and there’s a whole subset of manners regarding eating what dessert is suspended with what utensil. Ease up.
Good hosts serve themselves last and never stretch over the table (Debretts). If you just ensure your guests have everything they need to be comfortable — 99% of the battle.
Now glasses. You may have given your guests a drink, and they will bring these to their settings, but here’s the standard no-fuss layout on a diagonal if you’re offering red and white wine. Right and left-handed guests get their glasses on the right.
To the right of the setting and slightly above, set a nice stable, water glass. Just below it and moving slightly right next comes a red wine glass, and following that, closer to the sitter and slightly further to the right, is a white wine glass.
A diminutive, stemmed glass at a very sophisticated dinner is intended for sherry, set it below the white wine glass. You can sweep the extra glasses off the table if you like once someone has decided on their wine colour. Ensure water is always on offer, with a full jug on a nearby sideboard if not on the table.
Getting truly fancy? If you put out fish knives, lead by example. Not everyone knows how to use them. Use just the tip of a fish knife to pick out the odd bone. Use the curved side to slide flat between the flesh and skin.
Birds in drums and thighs, and tiny birds eaten whole, can be lifted with the fingers. If you notice a pause from anyone, discreetly show them how it’s done by digging in. If something is sliced, it’s cutlery. Ensure diners have what they need — include small finger bowls with some warm water and a slice of lemon if they are fisting the food.
There’s a nice little tip from the British Butler’s Institute regarding timing. When you bring everyone to the table, leave them for at least a minute before doing anything at all. People need time to talk, introduce themselves, admire the table, and to settle in. Don’t charge at them in a cheery attack of dishes and proffered drinks.
Serve guests going clockwise from the right, and clear from the left (only when everyone has finished that course), and above all, remember to delegate and enjoy yourself.