Richard Hogan: Kids want boundaries — give them to them for a happy home
For Important Putting Place Is In Richard Boundaries Hogan, Teenagers
Working in the interest of your future self is such an important concept if you want to bring any desired goal into life. I tell teenagers doing the Leaving Certificate at this time of year, think about September you, how do you want that person to feel? Do you want them to be proud of the work they did this year? What do you want to achieve in the exam?
Well, to do that you have to delay gratification in the present by working in the interest of that future self. I can see the lightbulb going on. It is also something I say to parents sitting in my clinic discussing family rules. If you want the house to run smoothly over the long and, at times difficult years of adolescence, you have to work in the interest of that future house.
The reason I’m saying this is because I have seen too many times in my clinic families in chaos because the denizens of that family have never followed any real routine or rules. A family without rules, principles and values so quickly descends into an inverted hierarchy, and this type of house is unpleasant for everyone in that system.
How is it some teenagers can manage to regulate themselves, follow the rules and respect their parents, while others slam doors, launch terrible expletives and come home when they feel like it? I had a 19-year-old client tell me recently he had come home drunk and vomited in the bathroom waking the entire house up. His punishment was that he wasn’t allowed out for the next three weeks. Which he accepted, and found reasonable.
In the session that followed, I had parents tell me their 14-year-old son had been arrested for stealing, attempted to strike a member of the force, had stolen money from the parents, broken a window the same evening in a neighbour’s house and the next evening he was back out again with his friends enjoying the weekend. They explained that he wouldn’t follow their rules, and they were perplexed as to what to do with this child that was unmanageable. The reason I’m giving you these two case studies is because children crave boundaries and need them in their life, teaching your child how to take responsibility for their actions is not desirable, it is necessary.
There is a scene in the series that illuminates the point I am trying to make. Meadow Soprano, the head Mafioso’s daughter, has just trashed her grandmother’s house, Tony Soprano and his wife are trying to figure out the punishment. Tony turns to his wife and says, "if she ever figures out that we have no power we are in trouble". This line illustrates wonderfully the point I’m trying to make.
If you don’t teach your child in their formative years how to obey rules and follow your instruction and the consequences for their behaviour, the teenage years are going to be chaotic and far more challenging than they need to be. So, think about the year ahead. What boundary do you need to have in the family?
Technology is a disruptor in the modern family. I meet so many families that have no technology policy in the house and wonder why the house is in such chaos. This is the perfect time to bring in a policy that is healthy and allows your child to play games and be on their device, depending on their age, while also being able to be with friends and family away from devices.
It is important that you get ‘buy-in’ from your child. Get them to help with the policy. Remember it’s a negotiation, they’ll go high and you’ll go low and you’ll both meet somewhere in the middle. Expect them to break the rule and then have a nice reasonable consequence for that slip in self-regulation. So, let’s say they play on screens over their time limit on Tuesday, you have agreed one hour, and they have gamed for two hours, now they are not able to game on Wednesday and on Thursday they only get half an hour and if they show that they can manage that, they get their gaming time back to normal on Friday. This is teaching your children to make the right decision when you are not there, which is such a vital skill to develop in your child.
These games have all sorts of problems in them; loot boxes which are psychologically and structurally akin to gambling, the immersive nature of games and devices, the potential for risky behaviour, bullying, viewing extreme pornography etc. However, they are not an evil, we just have to parent them so that they can manage themselves. We must have ramifications for when they slip in the regulation of their behaviour, but those consequences can’t be disproportionate and must be fair, so that you don’t annihilate the spirit of the child.
Bringing in boundaries and setting out the values of the family early in your child’s development, will immunise the family against major strife later in adolescence. Work in the interest of your future family now and adolescence will not be an intolerable struggle.