Richard Hogan: My child is in an abusive relationship. What can I do?
The Is A By Abuse Tools One Used Psychological Control Main Of Of Perpetrator Coercive
Last week I wrote about the terrible impact coercive control has on a person’s life. I explained that it is designed to obliterate the self and confuse the victim so that they become disoriented and become dependent on the perpetrator. It is a particularly heinous crime, where the victim loses all sense of what is good and wholesome in their life. Family and friends become a battleground as the perpetrator rewards the loyalty of the victim in rejecting their loved ones while subjecting them to terrible emotional pressure and even violence or threats of violence if they do not align with the narrative that family and friends are not good for them. I have worked with this dynamic in all its ugly forms for many years, and I have seen first-hand the devastating impact it has on everyone who loves the victim.
I was particularly struck by how many people contacted me last week to tell me about their experiences. It was mostly parents reaching out to me, delineating the darkness that had come into their life ever since their daughter started dating her abuser. Most letters said that they felt their daughter had been lost to them like they were grieving her death. It was very difficult to read so many letters all outlining similar stories. Stories of once-beautiful connected families, torn apart by the destructive influence of an outsider. They all spoke about feeling powerless and unable to support the child they brought into the world. That is one of the most disturbing aspects of this crime, parents are made feel utterly powerless and hopeless as they watch their beautiful child’s personality disappear in front of their eyes.
One of the main tools a perpetrator of this crime uses is psychological abuse. They slowly foster distrust in their partner by incrementally deconstructing their belief system. Everything that the victim once held as concrete is soon quicksand, as perception becomes tainted by subtle remarks about how controlling and manipulative family members are. Slowly the victim begins to move away from once loving parents and friends until their life has become solely the possession of the perpetrator. Last week I explained that, in my experience, a perpetrator of such a crime has a terrible sense of entitlement, and will do anything to achieve their dark desire. Of course, watching a child sink into the control of another is one of the most disturbing and troubling things a parent can experience. Often their attempts to help their child move them closer into the grip of their abuser. One of the first mistakes parents make is that they tell their daughter/son that they dislike or even hate their new partner, and tell them that they should leave them.
Of course, once this gets relayed back to the partner, they have the perfect ammunition to drive their wedge between parent and child. So, if you notice your daughter or son is in a relationship that you feel is coercive, make sure you don’t start your conversation in a hostile manner against their partner. Remember, you are trying to disprove what the abuser will say once they realise you see through them. Using questions with a victim is more powerful than telling them they should get out of the relationship. Asking questions such as: "What do you like about the relationship?" "Is he/she supportive of you?" Also asking about your child’s circle of friends will be important. All you are trying to do is get your child to think more critically about the relationship they are in, without forcing your opinion on them, which won’t prove helpful.
Recognising that your child is with this person for a reason, is an important first step. Find out what that reason is, they might not believe they will meet anyone else if they separate. If this is the case, you can help them with that error in their thinking rather than attacking the partner. But the only way you will figure that out, is by asking some questions. Avoid attempting to manipulate your child out of the relationship, this will give the abuser an incredible weapon when conflict arises because the victim is invested in making the relationship work or perhaps feels unsafe to leave. The abuser will illuminate your manipulations making the victim's life utterly confusing. Make sure to maintain a regular presence in your child’s life, even if they seem to reject you. Remember, the end goal of the perpetrator is for your child to be isolated and alone. Don’t collude with the perpetrator, as much as it might gall you, be cordial to the perpetrator. Your daughter or son might be in the fight of their life, and they will need you with them, supporting them and allowing them to find their confidence again.
