Special Report: Pandemic brought prevalence of domestic abuse in society to the fore
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When the pandemic hit, and lockdowns were enforced, the prevalence of domestic abuse was laid bare, says .
When you think of domestic abuse, what image comes to mind?
A weak vulnerable woman, cowering in a corner, arms up around her face, as a man stands over with a clenched fist?
Legally, what do you think about domestic abuse - a punishable, prosecutable crime just like burglary, car theft, murder, or public disorder? Or a private matter between a man and a woman in the privacy of their own home?
The stereotype is that domestic abuse is physical violence only and the cultural belief is that it's not a public problem, it's a "behind closed doors" one.
Neither are true.
When you talk to survivors of abuse and professionals who work with them, the real story is completely different.
The most common form of abuse, by a long shot, is emotional abuse. And the impact of daily emotional and verbal abuse on a person’s fundamental sense of self has the most far-reaching consequences, as survivor Jennifer Carroll says.
"It's an awful thing to say but most days I would rather a punch than hours of verbal abuse. It became my truth and it cut me deeper than the wounds he gave me," Jennifer said.
At the core of domestic abuse is control. You may never have been hit, or cut, or punched or raped, but your life has been micromanaged right down to the colour of the socks you wear and the type of food you eat.
When the pandemic hit, and State-mandated lockdowns were enforced, the prevalence of domestic abuse in our society came to the fore.
Latest figures from the gardaí show more than 100 people have been prosecuted for domestic violence offences since the end of October.
Under Operation Faoiseamh, 217 people have been prosecuted.
Gardaí say there has been a 17% increase in the number of calls for help from domestic violence victims compared to last year.
More than 20,000 calls or contacts were made by victims to gardaí throughout Operation Faoiseamh.
Gardaí said the operation will continue over the Christmas holidays.
Meanwhile, Women’s Aid responded to a 43% increase in calls from women who were trapped with abusers at home, compared with the same period in 2019.
SAFE Ireland, the national domestic abuse agency, said 3,450 women and 589 children contacted a domestic violence service for the first time, between March and August 2020.
The helpline for male victims of abuse, run by Men's Network Ireland, hit its peak of contacts in May, with 185 calls.
Covid-19 did not cause domestic abuse, it merely presented abusers with more opportunity and time to carry out their crime.
But behind the cold statistics that appear in the headlines, what does domestic abuse really look and feel like and who are the victims and perpetrators of this crime?
🔶 Violence against women in families is not inevitable.
— Department of Justice 🇮🇪 (@DeptJusticeIRL) December 9, 2020
👉 There are things we can all do to break down this vicious cycle
👉 Understanding the root causes is the first step.
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"You'd have the most wealthy on paper, the least wealthy, the most educated to the least educated, people who are very public figures, people who are successful on the outside, people who hold very responsible jobs, you name it I’ve seen it," says Lisa Marmion, services development manager with SAFE Ireland.
"People think it's someone in the distance, not up close, there are still widely held beliefs that this issue is for specific groups or ages, but this issue doesn't discriminate. I've worked with people from all backgrounds," she adds.
There is one example that has stayed with her, from the 17 years where she ran a refuge.
"I was working with a family and he was the local GP, and what he was doing to his wife and daughter, you’d never know. It’s scary for us to think that someone in our circle has that capacity, so I’m going to other it," explains Ms Marmion.
But what's the capacity? To raise your hand to another person, to lash out in anger, to be unable to control your temper? No.
"When you look at this through the lens of coercive control it looks very different," says Ms Marmion.
The crime of coercive control has recently been given legal footing in Ireland and last month, for the first time in State history, a man was convicted of the offence in front of a jury.
Control is the driver, goal and bedrock of all domestic abuse.
"Why? It works, if you have someone in your complete control, it’s an experience that suppresses conflict. If you’re controlling a person, they’re never going to push back, they’re entrapped in this awfulness, they're enslaved," explains Ms Marmion.
In her years working with survivors, what are some of their experiences and just what tactics do perpetrators use?
"Longer-term plans around education and careers are delayed. There's the delaying of or forcing of motherhood, it never ceases to amaze me, anything that’s important to someone can be used against them, how you see yourself as a human being is used against you.
"People are stopped going to a gym, stopped going to the hairdresser, or if your children are your world, they will completely undermine your authority. A perpetrator will bring them to a place where they don’t recognise themselves, it’s personal," explains Ms Marmion.
And with the advent of technology, smartphones and social media, perpetrators have even more tools at their disposal.
Digital abuse is a very common form of abuse, with perpetrators inundating their victim with messages all day every day and micromanaging their use of their phone.
Abusers will also take intimate photos of their victim and hold this intellectual property over them, constantly threatening to send the images to friends, family, work colleagues and the wider public.
It is threats like these that allow abusers to maintain control over another person, and why a victim is terrified to leave.
This form of control and abuse has been unfortunately named “revenge porn”, as if the victim was somehow asking for it.
This form of abuse is common among younger people, who are very likely to experience abuse.
And unfortunately, a new report from Women’s Aid found that three in five young people have either personally experienced or know someone 25 or younger who has experienced abuse by a current or former partner.
A total of 51% of people are under the age of 18 when the abuse starts.
And when it comes to “revenge porn” it is now so common that one in two abused young women experience abuse online including the taking, sharing and the threatening to share intimate images without their consent.
But tactics and tools aside - what is the impact of abuse on a person and their life.
Don Hennessy is the director of the National Domestic Violence Intervention Agency and the author of the best-selling How He Gets Into Her Head. He spent 30 years working with perpetrators and victims of abuse.
Whether the tools were physical or sexual violence, the impact of the control means a wedge is built between a person and their own instincts.
They would doubt and second guess everything, having lost a sense of themselves and their right to exist.
"It’s mind control, that's what I’ve been calling it for 30 years. Once he establishes that pattern of behaviour, you lose connection with your intuition, our intuition is very primitive and private, our minds are a different place where all the thinking goes on, good, bad and different but our intuition is very clear, it's an animalistic instinct, there is no thought process there. A wedge is built between you and your intuition," explains Don.
As coercive control, the underpinning of all domestic abuse, has now been classified as a crime, An Garda Síochána is policing the offence with serious attention and extra resources - as demonstrated by the recent coercive control conviction.
Inspector Adrian Kinsella is the Inspector with responsibility for the domestic abuse intervention section of the Garda National Protective Services Bureau.
"Domestic abuse is not something which can be accepted and An Garda Síochána continues to work with our partners in both State and non-State agencies across the country to provide support to victims and to build awareness in respect of domestic abuse.
"It is important to once again re-emphasis that this type of behaviour is a crime, that it is not acceptable and that it will be fully investigated by An Garda Síochána," he told the .
Ms Marmion, who has worked in the area of domestic abuse for decades and seen how people have been dehumanised and degraded by the relentless and often invisible nature of it, says the new law is a game-changer.
"The coercive control law and the recent conviction has the potential to change culture, before that it was a woolly concept," says Ms Marmion.
She also believes that society still does not understand this crime.
"Drugs don't do this, drink doesn't do this, unemployment doesn't do this, Covid doesn't do this.
"We shy away from accountability, why do we hold her responsible for his behaviour? Why do we look to the person with the least power?
"In the absence of a very clear understanding, we are still grappling with this as a private matter and not seeing it as a human rights issue," says Ms Marmion.
- Monitoring the victim — via stalking and harassment through surveillance, technology, or social media;
- Micromanaging victims’ actions and/or interactions — dictating who the victim can make contact with or socialise with;
- Taking control of every aspect of the victim’s life;
- Taking control of the victim’s finances and using this as a controlling mechanism;
- Isolating the victim — keeping them away from family and friends;
- Threats and intimidation;
- Emotional and psychological abuse;
- Physical and sexual abuse.
Total control over another person is the end goal of domestic abuse, and therefore, the act of physical violence is not always used by an abuser.
Without the so-called physical evidence of a bruise or a cut, victims worry about coming forward and being believed by authorities or the community.
However, this is absolutely no longer the case, according to a Garda inspector with responsibility for domestic abuse in Ireland, thanks to the coercive control now defined as a crime.
“Victims should be aware that physical abuse, while it does, in cases where it occurs, form part of the pattern of coercive control, is not a necessary ingredient for an investigation into, or prosecution for, coercive control.
“Indeed, there have been a number of cases whereby physical abuse was not present but other controlling behaviours such as financial and/or emotional abuse formed part of the proofs for prosecution,” said Insp Adrian Kinsella.
Coercive control involves a persistent pattern of controlling and coercive behaviour which has a serious effect on victims.
The specific behaviours can refer to all types of domestic abuse, be it emotional, physical, financial or sexual.
It can also refer to the threat of abusive behaviour. It refers to the type of behaviour which causes serious alarm or distress to a victim and which has an adverse effect on the victim’s day-to-day life.
The offence of coercive control came into effect on January 1, 2019, after the enactment of the Domestic Violence Act 2018, and already there has been a successful conviction in front of a jury for the crime.
An Garda Síochána examines “patterns of behaviour” as well as the “motivation of the offender” when investigating coercive control offences.
Every Garda division in the entire country, is now staffed with specially-trained detectives who have “the skillsets to investigate incidents of this nature and to provide support to victims”.
Jennifer Carroll is a survivor of domestic abuse.
She details how her abuser "began with small things", how she normalised his behaviour and how she would feel "awful guilt" any time she would walk away from him.
Originally from Dublin, Jennifer was living in London during this relationship. The abuse really escalated when she became pregnant.
"It began with small things - that didn’t send off any alarm bells in my mind, things like guilt tripping me or just wanting to know where I was most of the time.
"It was my first serious relationship and I was naïve enough to believe it was normal for your partner to get jealous or to be so persistent with calls and texts.
"After it escalated and he was drinking heavily I would feel awful guilt over walking away and turning my back on him, I felt he was going through a bad time and needed my support.
"The physical violence first began when he would be drunk and for a long time I would tell myself it was the drink and not him," explains Jennifer.
And as soon as she became pregnant, the abuse escalated rapidly.
Day 5 of the Women's Aid #16Factsfor16Days highlights the fact that pregnancy does not offer protection from domestic violence. During pregnancy and after the birth of a new baby are some of the highest risk periods for women. Follow our campaign https://t.co/YhLYmxA58k pic.twitter.com/Jz9QqTMP2F
— Women's Aid Ireland (@Womens_Aid) November 29, 2020
"When I fell pregnant he began to drink and that escalated very quickly. The abuse then developed to physical and financial abuse during my pregnancy.
"The emotional abuse was the one I did not recognise at all, at times I thought it wasn’t healthy for him to be making me feel bad about going out with friends and then I would just tell myself ‘ah he is just a bit jealous', or 'he’d rather I stay in with him tonight’. This is what began to cause anxiety," says Jennifer.
At the height of the situation, he would physically abuse her almost daily, but it was the emotional abuse that she describes as the "worst'.
"The emotional abuse was the worst. It gets into your head, it rewires your mind and how your think, feel and talk about yourself.
"It doesn’t go away easily either. It's an awful thing to say but most days I would rather a punch than hours of verbal abuse. It became my truth and it cut me deeper than the wounds he gave me.
"I had zero self-love, zero confidence and zero worth for a long time. I isolated myself so much from friends and family that his voice and my voice were all I had and that was a very lonely and dark place. I felt completely hopeless," says Jennifer.
But the situation was far from hopeless, and Jennifer was finally able to leave the situation with the help of family and friends, where she has rebuilt a life for herself and her son.
"It has been a journey and continues to be a journey. I don’t know if I will ever be healed but I know I am doing everything I can to give my son and I a better life.
"I had a strong network of friends and family to come home to and that support and safety net of being able to just have someone listen was a big step into my journey," says Jennifer.
Another huge building block in her recovery was unconditional self-compassion.
"I promised myself I would be kind, patient and gentle to myself no matter what, if I wanted to cry for a week then that was okay, I allowed myself to.
"I dedicated some time to me without feeling guilty so that I could work on myself.
"I had a lot of weight to lose and I was for once feeling in control of something. I very slowly began to rebuild a life for Carter and I, where I felt like my old self again.
"After time it got easier and I was growing in confidence without realising," she explains.
With the crime of domestic abuse, and other gender-based crimes, there is a myth that focuses on the victim - what did she do, what was she wearing, why didn't she just leave?
Jennifer came up against these myths from many people, and while they are not ill-intentioned on behalf of the questioner, they are "damaging".
"I have had friends, family and strangers make comments like this and I don’t believe they were ever coming from a malicious place but I don’t think people realise how damaging these kinds of questions can be.
"I felt scared, I felt tied down, I felt ashamed, I felt guilty, I felt like I was robbing my son of a father, I felt alone, I felt pathetic. But none of that makes it my fault.
"I would always say to someone who is victim-blaming that they need to ask why is this still happening? Why are more people not charged with this? Why is this still an issue in our society? How can we support you?" states Jennifer.
And how can society help?
"By talking about it more, unfortunately domestic abuse is so common here in Ireland, there is still a stigma attached to it and this usually makes people uncomfortable talking about it.
"There is so much more help out there other than refuges and shelters that people are unaware of.
"Educating teenagers and young adults in school that domestic abuse is not just violence, there’s many forms of it and how to recognise the signs and what is unhealthy and unsafe in a relationship. And also to stop with the victim-blaming, this is one of the reasons I didn’t speak up earlier," says Jennifer.
Follow Jennifer on Instagram @jens_journey_ie
Don Hennessy has worked with perpetrators of domestic abuse for 30 years.
- How He Wins is published by Liberties Press and is available in all good bookshops.
For male victims of intimate partner abuse, the restrictions of working from home and the removal of social outlets had the same effect on them as it did on female victims.
Domestic violence affects men too.
During lockdown, there was a surge in calls to domestic abuse helplines, including to the one for male victims.
Derek Smith is the manager of the helpline, which is run by the Men’s Development Network.
In the month of May, the helpline was the busiest it has ever been, fielding 185 calls.
In terms of the flavours of the calls, there is no difference between them and a woman’s helpline — the psychological control exerted by the abuser and its impact on a person is the same.
“It’s all psychological,” said Derek. “I had a man who was 6ft tall and 18 stone, and his wife is a petite woman.
"He said: ‘Who’s going to believe me? I don’t have a scar, I don’t have a bruise.’
"I’m explaining how difficult it can be then, that abuse is not necessarily visible, and often isn’t.
For male victims of intimate partner abuse, the restrictions of working from home and the removal of social outlets had the same effect on them as it did on female victims.
One caller to the helpline talked about waiting until it got dark to go home, such was the relentlessness of the abuse.
“I had a man call who was in his early 50s, and he was sitting on a bench in a park, waiting, waiting for it to get dark to go home such was the extent of the abuse, and he was married 30 years,” said Derek.
“It was the first time he’d told anyone. He’d lost his job because of the pandemic and he had no outlets left whatsoever.
"He slowly disconnected from his friends, it was consuming him from the inside. He found it hard to talk to friends about what he felt were frivolous things like sport when he had this going on in his life.”
The helpline is up and running a year, and while it runs 42 hours a week, Derek works it 12 hours a week.
So far he has taken calls from men aged 20 to men aged over 70.
They are in all sorts of relationships, heterosexual and same-sex, and it’s not just the victim that will phone, but a concerned parent, sibling, or friend who has seen a change in their loved one.
A common theme on the calls is one of self-doubt, with the victim unsure as to whether they are experiencing abuse or not.
“They’re not sure and that’s the worrying part about it, but that’s what causes the cramps in the stomach and the tightness in the chest, you’re second-guessing yourself,” said Derek.
Derek said that, from his experience, “control is without a doubt” the issue.
One of the main barriers to men calling is the myth that as a man you are meant to be “strong and tough”.
Another myth, for all types of victims, is that you are “weak” if you are being abused.
However, professionals who work in the area, note just how strong and resilient survivors of intimate partner violence are, having endured and then extricated themselves from such relentless and insidious levels of abuse.
“It is not easy to pick up the phone, to physically lift it up and tell somebody, but if you can at all, the support is there.
"The first step is to talk to somebody. They so often doubt: ‘will I be believed?’, ‘This doesn’t happen to men’.
"We listen to everyone, that’s the message. That can be the first step to recovery — telling someone how you feel, expressing how you feel,” said Derek, whose overall message is to “reach out”.
- 1800 816 588
- 1800 341 900, womensaid.ie
- 1800 77 88 88, drcc.ie
- 1800 496 496, sexual violence.ie
For , call An Garda Síochána on 999 or 112.