Séamas O'Reilly: My ultimate guide to the best and worst Christmas movies to watch in 2024

With so many films to choose from, you might be wondering where to even start. Luckily, I’m on hand to give you the lowdown on the sparkliest baubles on the cinematic Christmas tree. I’ve surveyed the detritus so you don’t have to, for my First Annual Christmas Schlockbuster Forecast.

Worst Name (Subcategory: Lazy)

Inarguably the most competitive category in any given year, with every film doubtless trying to outdo last year’s magisterially mundane Time For Her To Come Home For Christmas.

I’m happy to say that 2024 has some spectacular options. From the “what it says on the tin” blankness of A Very Merry Beauty Salon and Christmas on the Alpaca Farm to the starkly utilitarian twinge of Christmas in Scotland and Brewster’s Millions: Christmas, it was near impossible to pick a favourite.

But none quite reached the frigid depths of Hallmark’s Private Princess Christmas, a name so thunderingly bare, so grammatically hostile to itself, that one can only imagine it being invented eight seconds before the finished film was emailed to hallmark.com with an invoice attached.

The Galatasaray Award For Seeing Where A Minor Celebrity Has Ended Up

Named for the bittersweet pang of nostalgia one feels on seeing faded stars from yester-year togging out for Galatasaray in the Champions League, this gong goes to Hallmark’s Confessions of a Christmas Letter, which stars not one medium-to-minor character from the American Office, but two — a starring role for Angela Kinsey and a cameo from Brian Baumgartner.

Most Original Narrative Choice

Inarguably the least competitive of all this year’s categories, since roughly all of these films are either “a family meet up for Christmas”, “city slicker finds love in small town” or “woman marries prince”. But there should be a nod to the bizarrely specific narrative of Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story, which proposes a romantic drama set entirely within the world of NFL Superbowl champions, the Kansas City Chiefs — namely between a superfan and a charming director of fan engagement. Do Shelbourne next.

Most Made-Up-Sounding Actor Name

A bountiful crop this time round with such luminaries as Houston Rhines (Christmas On The Ranch), Tammin Sursok (Trivia At St. Nick’s), Laith Wallschleger (Christmas In The Spotlight), and Essence Atkins (Queens Of Christmas).

But the crown this year goes to Nolan Gerard Funk, the romantic lead of Five Gold Rings, who presumably got the gig because Murphy Eugene Jazz was unavailable.

Best Invented Countries

The globe inhabited by the characters in Christmas Schlockbusters is a bloated and confusing one, filled with fictional countries headed by dashing, lonely royals just waiting for lovelorn Americans to travel there and marry them. So it is that we shall travel to the non-descript kingdoms of Torovia (A Christmas Castle Proposal) and Wingravia (Private Princess Christmas). Special mention should also go to Havenshire (A Cinderella Christmas Ball), which is not quite invented so much as a strangely independent fiefdom within the UK. This does, at least, explain why its prince has a British accent, but not why the good royals of every other foreign kingdom do too. NB. A Cinderella Christmas Ball is not to be confused with A Royal Christmas Ballet, which covers similar themes, comes out the same day, and is basically the same film, but a different one.

Worst Name (Subcategory: Confusing)

The grammarian in me can’t help but adore the clausal pile-up that is Debbie Macomber’s Joyful Mrs. Miracle, a title which all but insists that you take a deep breath before any attempt is made. A strong recommendation, also, for Hot Frosty, a name that’s fun to say, but bewildering to contemplate once you consider that its plot centres on bringing a snowman to life and having sex with him.

But the undisputed winner for 2024 has to be Nugget is Dead? A Christmas Story, which blends the story of a dog’s death and a small-town return into a title that is almost impossible to say correctly the first time.

The ‘Really?’ Award For Actor You Really Didn’t Think Would Be Doing One Of These

I’ll admit to being slightly intrigued that Gladys Knight was appearing in a Christmasssified version of Little Women (imaginatively titled A Little Women’s Christmas), and experienced initial alarm that Hallmark’s Deck The Walls would star Wes Brown. Upon realising this was not the former Man United right-back, but an American actor of the same name, I stood down.

But neither come close to the sight of Danny DeVito gurning from the poster of Paramount+’s A Sudden Case Of Christmas, which also stars Andie McDowell so there’s a two-for-one.

Worst Name (Subcategory: Actually Good)

I’ve a soft spot for Happy Howlidays, in which a beautiful single woman falls in love while caring for a stray dog, not least since her beau for the occasion has not yet been named because he will be whoever wins the Hallmark Channel’s Finding Mr Christmas — a reality show in which actors compete to play the lead in a Christmas film.

But the honours this time go to The Finnish Line, in which a headstrong American woman travels to Finland to compete in a dog-sledding championship.

Thankfully, the actor playing her love interest has a ready-made advantage in casting. His name, dear reader, is Beau.