Dear Dáithí: My fiancée is making our 'big day' even bigger

Her family are large and complicated! I have a very small family, just my mum and dad really, and my granny, but we are very close.

My fiancée’s guest list is getting out of control – her three cousins  recently invited themselves and plus-ones! I don’t know these people and I don’t see why we should be allowing her family to decide who is coming to our big day.

I want a small, intimate celebration. The same for my stag – I’m going on a cycling weekend with three close friends. 

Her brothers are insisting I do a boozy weekend away in a hotel the same weekend as my fiancée is having her hen.

My friends and her brothers and cousins won’t mix – it will just be stressful for me. How do I get this across without upsetting my fiancée?

You must be sitting there, writing this letter to me, wondering how all this got out of control because that’s what it seems like at the moment. 

You and your fiancée have been working so hard saving up for your wedding and now it looks like you’ve been saving up for ‘their’ wedding.

Weddings are great but they do bring so much drama, plus they cost so much. Then the bride and groom rarely get to enjoy the day and only see highlights on Instagram, which is a shame.

The stress levels can kick in at any time coming up to a wedding – this has started early, which is good and bad. 

Bad because it’s the start of the next stage of your relationship and nobody wants to start anything new off on the wrong footing. 

The good news is we have time to do something about it. With this good news, though, you need to grow a pair!

With this new personal growth of yours, there needs to come a compromise. 

At the moment, both sides are way off the centre and we need to bring it in as close to that as possible, otherwise things will only get worse.

If ye can’t compromise on what is a celebration, where are ye going to be when there is a real-life issue? And then throw some children into the mix.

You can see where I’m going with this. I’ve often seen something like this getting blown out of proportion and then the whole thing falls apart. 

How you both deal with this is a sign of what the relationship is made of. She needs to move and so do you – now the question is how far both of you will go. 

I’ve painted the worse case there in one sense but these things happen too, so beware.

You need to approach this with caution. The ball has started rolling already and it might be hard to slow it down but remember your recent personal growth spurt. 

You need to sit down and have a wedding meeting to see how things are getting on and how the numbers are looking. I’d remind her of all the hard work ye have been doing saving for this day. 

In any wedding list, there needs to be a cut-off – if this hasn’t been spoken about before, now is a great time to bring it up.

Because she has a bigger family, she will have more people, I’d acknowledge that, but I would say, ‘We need to be realistic about things.’ 

The word needs to get out that the final wedding list is not ready. This will dim the lights of some of your ‘unwanteds’. 

But there will be plenty of space for them at the afters and, when they realise they don’t have to bring a present, they’ll be delighted. They’ll have more money for booze.

By keeping the wedding smaller, might I suggest you add to the honeymoon or even a pre-honeymoon holiday. This time should be about you and her, it’s a special time you won’t get back.

I would also say that you would prefer a smaller wedding to make it really special for the ones ye really love, especially your granny. 

I’d show her a picture of your granny at this point. You need to be a bit sneaky too. Yes, the Kerry comes out of me easily these days!

Now the stag and hen are different to the wedding and need to be discussed separately. The hen is about her and the stag about you. It’s about what ye want. 

However big her hen, this won’t bother you in the slightest. She can have male strippers hanging from the ceiling (I’m free the last week in August) and it’s nothing to do with you.

Now the stag. There is nothing worse than being in the same room when people don’t mix – so don’t mix them. This is simple. You say you are going on a cycling weekend and all are welcome to come. 

There is not a hope in hell the others will go. Tell them they can do whatever they want on the hen weekend but it’s not your stag. 

They’ll move on and forget about the whole thing. You need to take charge of that situation and stick to your guns.

There is a lot of information and I don’t think landing it all on the one day is a good idea. I’d start with the wedding chat, that’s the most important. This is all about compromise, so don’t lose the head. 

You might have some push-back and you’ll really know then how much of a big day she wants. But you draw the line with what you’re happy with.