Colm O'Regan: 'A lot of people wet themselves at my gig, but I can't take credit'

I’ve done comedy for older children before. The first time it was in Glasgow. 

In an audience of children, they put their hands up to heckle. “Yes, young man,” I said as soon as I went on stage, “What would you like to say?”  “Get a job!”, he roared. 

I blame the parents. But he got the first laugh. I didn’t care where it came from.

Heckles from babies are different. They just sleep, grizzle or cry, crawl onto the stage or take a soother from another baby.

I do a safety announcement before each gig. But as well as pointing out the exits, I also point out any sharp edges.

Then I have a special shout-out (well not a shout-out, I don’t want to wake them) for the youngest baby there. 

It’s cruel on the other babies who suddenly find they are no longer the youngest and look enormous by comparison but that’s showbiz. 

We even had a baby who was at the gig twice, first in the womb and second in the arms. 

The child has been at more comedy after 3 weeks of life than I’d been at before the age of 25.

A lot of people at the gig may wet themselves but I can’t really take credit for that.

I like watching people hesitantly be the first to order a pint. But once one does, the seal is broken. We haven’t had shots yet. But there was definitely prosecco.

I’m half joking when I tell the audience that because of difficulties getting an appointment we may as well just get the Public Health nurse to see them all in the pub at the same time. 

After all they don’t need to worry about the state of the place. Also it’s only by assessing a baby in familiar surroundings like a pub that we can truly see how they are meeting their milestones.

There is no age limit officially, but an informal one exists for two reasons. If the baby is getting very mobile then the parent can’t really relax because a waddler will be off out to the lounge watching The Chase with a load of oul' lads. 

Also if they’re getting verbal then there’s a chance their first words will be “WTF IS UP WITH THAT?” and we’re not insured for the emotional distress that might cause the parents. 

Swearing in front of small babies is fine though. It’s nothing they haven’t heard already when their mother was in labour.

Because babies grow out of the gig, I am faced with a new pressure in stand up: my audience leaving me behind. Wait sorry that’s an old pressure. 

It’s just it’s never happened at that pace before. So suddenly Ireland’s fertility is my concern.

I’ve asked all those in attendance to -i f they think they are DONE themselves - repeatedly ask their child-free friends when they are planning to get a move on or single child families to GO AGAIN. 

To be fair this is something people who are DONE do anyway.

Now that I’m in the baby industry, I’m ditching my climate change hat, hiring expensive lobbyists and calling for more Government supports for more babies and compulsory parental leave at 10.30 in the morning.

Or I could just sell tickets to anyone who’s around in the pub at that hour. The audience could be an eclectic mix of babies and night-time stevadores.

Either way half the audience have to be carried out at the end.

• Colm is telling jokes to grownups at Kavanaghs in Portlaoise on Friday 18th.