Richard Hogan: We are hardwired to feel jealousy, don't be ashamed 

Of all the emotions we feel, jealousy and envy are probably the two we deny the most. And as Shakespeare alludes to, they are the two that can catapult our lives in to chaos and destruction. 

I don’t think we struggle too much to say we have a bad temper, or we can get angry, but to admit to feeling jealousy or envy is something we don’t like to acknowledge. 

But romantic jealousy has its roots deep in our psyche, down the psychological and evolutionary strata.

Put simply: We are hardwired to feel jealousy. It is designed to prompt us in to action to save a meaningful relationship that is under threat from another. So, we should not feel stigma about it. We should not beat ourselves up or be ashamed for feeling such emotions:

They are a part of us. They are programmed within us, and they are there to protect us. It is normal to feel jealousy, but how you deal with those feelings is important for a healthy outcome.

First of all, we should distinguish between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is the fear you are going to lose someone or something due to an internal inadequacy, and envy is the desire for something someone else has: their lifestyle, their body, their car, etc.

The brain region associated with these emotions is separate from the region that is in control of logic and rationality, and the emotional side can override the logical when it becomes heated. That is why people can respond negatively when their emotions are roused.

For example, your girlfriend is at the bar, some good-looking dude comes over chatting to her, you jump up and rush over, threatening the dude who just said ‘hi’ to her.

Logic would permit you to realise your girlfriend isn’t likely to cheat on you right in front of your face in a busy bar, but emotions have swamped that rational side and you are in fight mode. Now you feel stupid for making a fool of yourself. Self-loathing and shame creep in.

The first thing we should do if we struggle with jealousy is to understand its source.

Working clinically with it, I often trace it back through the genogram and find that an early attachment might have caused a rupture in healthy concepts of love.

If we experienced an anxious attachment style, it meant that our primary caregiver was unable to give us love in a dependable and predictable way.

This causes a fundamental crack in the foundations of your belief system. You developed the belief that you are unworthy of love, that you are not valuable, and that people will abandon you.

This deep insecurity is provoked every time you see your partner chat with someone else. It can be so unbearable, people often avoid relationships altogether.

But understanding your attachment style, and working to trust people again, will help you to overcome this early childhood experience. If our partner wants to cheat on us, all the control in the world will not stop them. They will cheat. 

Understanding that your desire for control is actually pushing your partner away, rather than holding onto them, might just help you out of that logic.

Sibling rivalry, too, can be the cause of life-long jealousy. Parents often compare children to each other: ‘Why can’t you be more like James?’ or ‘James is the academic one and John is the sporty one’.

These kind of linear statements about children are the deep roots of life-long comparison and jealousy. 

Something I did with my own children was tell them I love them the same amount, but for different reasons. This helps them to see their uniqueness, rather than think they can compete for love. 

When you tell children you love them all the same, it can be perceived as a zero sum game. 

When James is receiving attention, then I am not loved. So, if I am better than James, then I will be more loved than him.

We have to be careful not to set our children up for a life of jealousy and envy. Someone else’s success is not your failure.

You want your children to be able to celebrate each other’s achievements in life.

When they are closed off and cynically critical and envious of everyone else, that is the opposite of thriving. If you have felt jealousy or envy recently, change how you view it. 

Make it the catalyst to figure out what you want in life and now aim for it. The bigger the gap between who you are currently and who you want to be will always result in greater feelings of envy and jealousy.

Narrow that gap by becoming clear about what you want from life, and move towards it.

That is the antidote to those negative feelings.