Ask Audrey: 'It's been eighteen years - what positions are popular these days?'

I try to figure out what kind of bird I’m dealing with from their Tinder profile and then plan accordingly. 

But they all seem to be lying, because the ones who say they are up for the crack are sensitive vegans, and I ended up on a date last night with this one who described herself as ‘the most woke person in Mitchelstown ’ but that didn’t stop her from engaging in non-stop hate-speech against ‘ scumbags from Fermoy’ which seems deliberate because I make no secret about the fact that I’m from Fermoy. 

I’ve been getting advice from that legend on the north Cork dating scene, The Face, who is my friend, or is he? 

I have to ask after he turned up at the cinema in Mallow during Barbie and walked off with my date. He said it was like taking candy off a baby. I view that as criticism. 

Something has to be done and I’m not talking about pleasuring myself because my Mam never misses your column and no mother needs to read that about her son. 

Look, I’ve opened my heart here. Could you name one thing I should do to improve my hit rate with the chicky babes?

- Garret, Fermoy.

You say you make no secret about coming from Fermoy. There’s your problem straight away. Change that and there is every chance you will f inally have sex. W ith someone else.

It’s getting single-mom on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Wish Their Husband Ken Would Stop Going on Glamping Trips with Them. 

The Stunners organise a glamping trip every year in August to somewhere outrageous in Wicklow, you definitely couldn’t afford it on whatever they pay you for doing this column, Audrey. 

Life would be unbearable if we didn’t have another short break after coming back from our fortnight at that exclusive resort on the island of Capri, again, beyond your reach. 

So we block-book glamping tents that are bigger than most houses in Glanmire, and go toe-to-toe with those Dublin 4 bee-atches, completely burning them with jumpsuits straight off the cat-walks in Milan, take that ye Dublin 4 bee-atches. 

The only fly in our ointment is that our husbands are all new men ever since they started opening up about their emotions and mental health and they all insist on coming with us, to give a hand with the kids, as they put it. Or making the glad-eye at the Dublin 4 bee-atches if you ask me. 

Anyway, we’ve put in a No Kens rule this year, we all married guys called Ken, isn’t that really cool! 

The problem now is we need to break the bad news to our Kens. Do you think we should do it straight after sex?

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

That wouldn’t work for me. I find I can’t talk to my Conor straight after sex, because I’m sound asleep. #WorseThanABloke

How’re oo’ goin' on? 

You mightn’t remember now but I wrote to you five years ago about a French woman who came to stay in our Airbnb and started doing the topless sun- bathing in our front garden, there was a line of traffic coming out of Dunmanway for a look at her, I was thinking of charging them until my wife put a stop to it. (The topless sunbathing that is, she had no objection to me making a few quid.) 

Anyhow, the French woman is back. There’s no topless bathing this time because it’s Baltic and anyway she’s five years older now and the old puppies are probably in decline. The problem is I think she’s keen to show them to me! 

She keeps speaking to me in French, bonjour this, merci that, it’s a fierce sexy language, and over seven pints last night, Tim Pat Tim Tom told me she’s definitely fond of me . 

So do you know the French for ‘Sorry, but I have erectile dysfunction, otherwise I definitely would?’

- Dan Paddy Andy, enough outside Dunmanway that it isn’t too bad.

I can’t help you. I know the French for no, but quelle waste to use it, know what I mean?

Hello dear. 

I’m a widow on the Magazine Road, my husband died two years ago and I’ve waited two years before sleeping with a man, just as my Roger stipulated in his will. 

I’ve been on the obligatory two dates with a retired accountant from the Model Farm Road, and we’re going to sleep with each other this weekend, Viagra permitting. 

It’s been eighteen years since I’ve been to bed with another man, (that time nearly ended my marriage) and I’m wondering, what positions are popular these days. 

I was usually on top with my Roger so he could pick up his Kindle and start reading if it started to drag. So, could you give me a good position for 2023? 

- Ann-Marie, Magazine Road, not my real name.

Hi Susan, I remember yourself and Roger from the golf club. I presume you’re the one going to take the Viagra, because it’s hard to imagine anyone getting turned on by a retired accountant, Model Farm Road or no Model Farm Road. I hope that helps now.