Ask Audrey: 'What's the story with moving Cork up to the North-West?'

We will be trapped in our own county, unable to go west or northwest in case one of them gomies start asking when was the last time Cork won a Senior Mens All-Ireland. 

And before you say, ‘Why not head for Waterford, they’re cat at hurling down there as well’, nah boy, they do be the biggest gomies in Waterford, I can barely make out what they’re saying half the time. 

So I had a look there at the map and I think we could move Sligo and Donegal down here, there would be room for Cork there then and we’d be next to Mayo, so zero chance of them langers ever winning anything. 

Hopefully, we’ll pick up the accent when we’re up there because old dolls love the Donegal accent, particularly my one, she did the dirt on me at a hen do in Letterkenny. 

Do you know from your contacts in geology, how easy would it be to move Cork up to the northwest? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My niece did geology in college, her father told her it’s a rock-solid degree, he has an awful sense of humour my brother, thank God it doesn’t run in the family. 

I rang her there and told her your story. She said, did you ever sleep with a guy from Donegal? I said, I did once, I kept waking him up every five minutes to listen to his accent and maybe more. Much more as it turns out.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

Will someone please take my bitch of a sister’s kids and lock them up for the summer? 

She dumped them on me Tuesday because herself and her money-hose of a husband are putting a rocket under their sex lives (her words) with a dirty week (week!) in the Hotel Europe in Killarney, wouldn’t it be more in their line to go somewhere in Cork. 

Anyway, her youngest fella, Ultan (Jesus, the names on them) was ologoanning yesterday because none of his friends were on Roblox, so I said I’d buy the whingey bollox off with an ice lolly. 

I cracked open a box of mini Magnums from the freezer and said, go on now Ultan, take your pick and didn’t he scrunch up his face and say, they’re not real Magnums you got them in Lidl and I said so what, and he said Mommy says that Lidl is for the little people and I said what, like the fairies and didn’t he ring his mother and tell her that I used a bad word. 

Jesus give me strength, thank God I don’t have kids of my own. Would it be ok if I dropped them down to my sister in Hotel Europe?  

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

Imagine, you’re rescuing your sex life with a dirty hotel break and someone drops in your kids. 

I’d hate if that happened to me – I’d have to ring my husband and tell him to come and pick them up.

It’s getting spiritual on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Desperate to Get their Kids into Summer Camps for Protestants. 

This happens every year Audrey, it’s called Cúl Camp Panic, where we worry that our kids will become common if they spend a week playing GAA. 

The problem is there aren’t any Protestants in the Douglas Road Stunners – it’s not that we’re sectarian, it’s just we all went to Scoil Mhuire. 

Fifi_NatureIsGod says she is friendly with a couple of Protestants in hockey and when she asked them if they have special camps they gave her a funny look. 

Most of them have their kids in Cúl Camp – like, what’s the point in the Reformation if you are still sending your kids to GAA? 

Orla_I’mNoNun said this sounds well dodgy to me, I’m convinced they have special summer camps but they don’t want us involved in them because there are a lot of Catholics in Togher. 

We banned her for four weeks because you’re not allowed to mention Togher, but I think she might be on to something. So Audrey, do you know any Protestant camps where I could send my kids for the rest of the summer? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

I’m very friendly with a vicar. I rang him there and said, what do you ye for the summer? 

He said, answer the phone to social climbing Catholics looking for non-existent camps.

How’re oo goin on? 

I was having a pint and a foxy lad with Tim Pat Micky Mary last night when we got on to the subject of Coldplay. 

It was puzzling to us why such a mediocre band would shut down the country in the rush for concert tickets. 

I went home and listened to one of their records on Spotify, Christ the whinging out of your man. What’s the attraction can you tell me? 

- Dan Paddy Andy, take the first left after Dunmanway until you come across a man blocking his ears.

I’ll tell you now, I wouldn’t mind their front man Chris Martin whinging at me morning noon and night, the shoulders on him. 

And in his defence, you’d be whinging too if you were ever married to Gwyneth Paltrow.