Suzanne Harrington: Like teenagers, lockdown pets didn't ask to be born - don't dump your dog

Don’t dump your dog.

What we currently have in front of us is a massive furry demolition unit, who, like a Caribbean hurricane, is hell-bent on destroying everything in his path. 

So far: two sun loungers, a deckchair, an office chair, a kitchen chair, a table, two rugs, a dozen potted plants, and all the cushions, including the hand-embroidered Frida Kahlo one. He ate Frida’s face. Yesterday he ate the kitchen wall.

Don’t dump your dog.

Actual structural damage. The old dog, her retirement ruined, rolls her eyes. The speech bubble above her head would say, what did you expect, eejits. 

As I survey the plaster lumps on the kitchen floor and the chalky dust around the young dog’s mouth, my phone pings with news that dog shelters in Ireland are full to bursting with lockdown puppies who have had the audacity to keep growing. 

Don’t dump your dog.

The thing is, all of this infuriating stuff is normal young dog behaviour. Even when a dog is well exercised, not left home alone, and socialised with other dogs – the basics of dog ownership after food and shelter – there is still that tricky transition between cute puppy and mature adult. 

The same as humans. One night your sweet little kid goes upstairs and the next morning a hideous monster comes back down, and it stays like that for ages, but we persevere and don’t have them euthanised, no matter how tempting, because we’d end up in jail. And unlike teenagers, you can alter a dog’s behaviour by having them castrated.

Soon (although not soon enough) our young dog will be old enough for his nutsectomy, which the vet says should make him a bit less likely to eat walls. Great. In the meantime, we will refrain from the temptation to do it ourselves on the kitchen table. 

Don’t dump your dog.

Dogs don’t mature until they are around 18-24 months – until then, they remain juvenile delinquents. Patience and tolerance – as well as basic dog knowledge - is required. 

As are stairgates, to stop the teenage dog rampaging through your house. And dog walkers, to make the fecker disappear a few hours a week and come back exhausted. And bones – disgusting, bloody, horror film bones – to divert them from furniture and wall chewing. 

Don’t dump your dog.

Throwing in the towel before they have had a chance to grow up is not on. It’s not the dog’s fault it’s a teen nightmare – the good news is that they grow out of it far faster than human teens. Stick with it – like teens, they didn’t ask to be born, or to live in your house. 

Don’t dump your dog.