Alison Curtis: Navigating the tween years and learning to let go
Curtis Alison
I have spoken a lot in this column about encouraging independence in our kids and in my own daughter Joan who turned 10 this year. I have been honest in saying I am finding it hard to balance helping her learn how to do more for herself all the while still wanting her to need me.
The rational side of me knows that this is the normal and healthy sequence of events that she will more and more each year need me less for the day to day things to get by but that she will always need me, hopefully, to support her emotionally.
Since we have moved back into our house she has been spending more time in her “new” room. It is wonderful to see. She has organised it to suit her, she has taken great care to place things around the room and pick where her furniture goes. She loves her desk and is spending so much time drawing there. All positive things.
She has even moved away from our normal night-time routine of asking me to lie down with her for a bit before she falls asleep to just saying good night and bouncing up the stairs to slumber down into her new bed.
But two nights ago I heard the pitter-patter of her feet come down the stairs asking for “her mommy.” I jumped out of my seat only too happy to help, selfishly I was obviously craving this moment. So we went upstairs and had a cuddle while she fell asleep, just like old times.
I have to push myself to recognise that our relationship is going to change and that these moments are going to become more scarce but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still ‘need’ me.
Each situation is unique and some parents find it easier to loosen the string a little so to speak and other parents find it really difficult to balance helping their children become more independent while at the same time letting go.
However, It is really hard for most of us to acknowledge that when our kids learn new skills and grow in their abilities that not needing our help isn’t a rejection but more a change in what they require from us as parents.
It is so easy for us to think of their new forms of independence as a kind of distance between us and them and it is real work for us to find other ways of still feeling connected to our children.
Instead, we have to find this connection elsewhere. Maybe as they grow older we start to like more of the same things, show, movies and music. They start to connect with us more over how we approach challenges, people and situations in life.
If I remind myself of this, I find I am less mournful of time passing and more excited about what my future relationship with Joan will be. I want to be always close to her, I always what to meet whatever needs she may have from me. To be open, to listen and to support her as she gets older.
I also am very aware that the tween years are a pretty big test patch for the teen years and if I can keep it in Joan’s mind that I am there for her, I really hope the teen years will be fun, adventurous and loving for both of us.
