Dear Dáithí: My dad passed away but my family celebrated Christmas as if everything was normal

I'm still reeling from it, it still seems unreal, like a bad joke. How can he be just gone? I'm the youngest in the family, I have three brothers and I'm the only girl. 

I had a very special relationship with him, he used to ring me every day, he did all the little jobs in my apartment, he helped me in a million different ways that I didn't even realise, and I never got to say thank you to him. 

I went home to spend Christmas with my family, but I just couldn't believe how normal they were all acting. I ended up drinking too much one night and screaming at them all. My mum said we all grieve in different ways. 

It just hurts me so much to see them all getting on with things so easily. I don't know how to get past this feeling of utter dejection. I feel like no one understands what I'm feeling.  It's like they're pretending he never existed. 

I'm so sorry to hear your dad passed away in October, it does sound like you had a great relationship with him and that is very special. I know from my own experience that when you lose dad it is a very tough time and hard to get your head around it and a lot of the time you can’t make sense of it. 

One day he’s there and the next just gone, even when someone is sick for a long time and people are expecting someone to die it's very tough when it happens. 

That’s just the nature of the beast of death, it takes no prisoners and can seem unreal and like a very bad joke as you say. 

You being the youngest in this situation can be tougher, you were probably the ‘peata’ with him and that strengthened your relationship and that too is adding to how you’re feeling now and when you were feeling low before you probably told your dad because you did speak every day on the phone. You’re right in the middle of the tsunami.

The thing when a loved one dies suddenly is that there is no ‘goodbye’. As hard and all as they are, I often hear people talk about how lucky they were to have had that time with someone, I think it helps the healing start earlier, so I’d imagine that there is a thousand things going through your mind about what you would have said to him and to thank him for all he has done for you. 

Now I think you can still do this and as many times as you want. You should even write down a few things that you’d really like to thank him for and go to his grave on your own and chat to him. This is going to be very personal for you and just go for it. Your dad might not be here physically, but his spirit still lives on and especially through you.

I think everyone who has lost someone will tell you that all the ‘firsts’ are tough especially the first Christmas and birthday after losing someone, I will say it does get a bit easier after that, time really is a great healer, you’re at the very start of that journey and you will not be feeling that right now, that’s normal too, so don’t panic.

So, you landed home last week for Christmas, and everyone was acting like nothing had happened and you snapped. There is nothing unusual about any of that. People act in the normal way after something big like this happens because they don’t know how to act, they are afraid to say something stupid that might upset someone else. 

You didn’t like this, and you screamed at them, again a normal response when you’re really upset, now it might not be the best response, but this is what happened. This might have happened because nobody in the whole family thought it might be a good ideal to ask how everyone is doing. 

Again, this is normal because everyone individually is trying to work out their own stuff and this slipped through the net. Drinking and laughing might be their way of dealing with it because your mom is right, everyone deals with this differently and just because the family aren’t crying out loud doesn’t mean that they’re not really hurting on the inside. 

They might be acting like it never happened because it’s too painful to deal with now. All you can do really is get your own head in order and to make sure you deal with it properly. I know people who stick their head in the sand and 10 years later they’re still not healed because they never sorted themselves out.

You feel like nobody understands you and I think as part of your own healing you should tell your family what your dad meant to you, all he did for you, and how you’re feeling now. It might inspire more of them to speak up and if they don’t that’s ok too and it will definitely help you.

There is one thing I’d like to blast out of the water and that’s the last thing you said about them pretending he never existed, this is totally untrue and get it out of your head. You as a family are all in the same boat here. Your dad would certainly not want you all fighting and not getting on, he and your mom raised you properly.

I remember when my own dad died and for months after I’d remember times gone by and at first the memories made me sad, but if I roll on a few years, these very same memories and thoughts are the ones that make me really happy now. It’s so hard to explain and I think you’ll have such gorgeous memories of your dad and those in time will bring you great solace!