Dear Dáithí: I want Christmas away with my husband, without his brother ruining everything

We both met each other later in life and I feel so blessed to have this chance at marriage, I didn’t think I ever would. But since we moved into our new house, the brother is there all the time, always interfering in our business. I feel the only time I fight with my husband is when the brother is involved. He lands in for lunch or dinner, without any notice, and it really annoys me. He doesn’t work (he does odd jobs for people now and then) and he never would think to bring a pack of biscuits or something! I want to go away from Dec 21 to 28th.

My husband doesn’t want to leave his brother alone for Christmas (his parents have passed away, there’s only the two of them in the family) and he even suggested asking him to come on our holiday to the sun. I feel like there’s three of us in this relationship, but I don’t know how to explain it to my husband without upsetting him. It’s really upsetting me, and I know I need to find a solution rather than stew in resentment. Any ideas?

You wouldn’t believe how many letters I get this time of year which are very similar to yours and even though a lot of them sound the same it can be still very difficult on the person who is suffering and there always is a very personal story behind each issue. So yes, they’re similar but different at the same time. But I do think that if you are reading this and in the same situation you might get some solace.

I’m so happy you’ve found love ‘later in life’ especially when you thought that that ship might have sailed. It doesn’t matter when you meet the person but there is always something really special about meeting someone that this stage and with that in mind I think that this is playing into this situation too, because you and your husband are not teenagers I feel that you don’t want to be wasting time especially with people who are coming in the way and it sounds like your brother in law is doing just that. He does sound like the ultimate pain in the hole, sorry I’ve no other way of saying it.

Always in on top of you all, all the time and coming in with one hand longer than the other or longer than the brother in this case. In a normal situation if the brother-in-law calls in it is usually a happy occasion, but this is certainly not the case here and it won’t change or be fixed unless something is done about it. I can imagine that you’re worried that your husband might be upset but he needs to see what’s happening or realize what’s happening.

I think it’s time for you to tell or remind your husband how lucky you both are to have found each other at this stage, and I’d explain that we all have and had to adjust to a new situation. I would point out his brother's carry-on and tell him how you really feel about it and that you’re worried that unless something is done it might have an effect on your own relationship and that you believe so much in your relationship that you want to mind it at all cost.

He might not even notice what has been happening or he might think that all this is normal and if this is the case he needs to know. You are really upset by all of this, and it seems that you’ve been keeping quite about for the last few years and now here we are. Something had to give and it’s falling into your lap.

‘Tis him who should be writing in to me looking for help

The real crux of what’s after happening in one once sense is that you have a high standard when it comes to values, respect being one of them and your brother-in-law doesn’t come close to matching them and it sounds like he never will, but you are not married to him. Once your husband is up there with you that’s all that matter really and remember that.

I do get that your husband doesn’t want to leave his brother alone for Christmas and it is very sad that their parents have passed, but he is a grown man. Lord Jesus, wouldn’t you think he’d go out and get a nice partner for himself. 

‘Tis him who should be writing in to me looking for help not you! Your husband needs to deal with this one and catch the bull by the horns and he needs to start with the basic manners of coming into your home and take it from there.

I think you just need to explain how this makes you feel, and your husband should cop what’s going on. He has to see the wood from the trees here otherwise he might think you’re the pain and not the brother. Your husband must prepare his brother for being alone next Christmas and he’ll have a year to figure it out for himself.

I spoke last week about taking the higher moral ground and I think you should do the same. It’s too close to Christmas this year for other plans for your brother-in-law so I think you’ll have to stick it out this year, maybe not the plan you want to hear, but think of the long game. If you still don’t like him in the future, it will be your last. Now it’s important to remember that he has only one brother so don’t bulldoze this, think of that higher moral ground, it’s a sweet place. I think once there are some ground rules established it will be clearer for everybody. I don’t like calling them ‘rules’ but unfortunately that’s what they are.

I would be going away after Christmas with himself, once Christmas day itself is over you should go. It’s a nice time and with the pressures of the big day over it will really be something to look forward to and this is a great opportunity to start planning for next Christmas, ask him if there is somewhere he always wanted to go for the festive season and tell him yours. Set the seed nice and early.

I know it might be hard but do try and enjoy this Christmas it is a special time of year and don’t allow one person ruin it for everyone.