Cuffing season: What is cuffing, why we do it and how to do it successfully

At soirees you are expected to have a ‘significant other’ by your side. Kelleher has clients in their 40s who, despite being content with being single, at this time of year want a partner.

Kelleher says: “Cuffing (entering in to monogamy in winter) is two-fold: It combats loneliness on cold nights, and it shields you from people prying in to your love life.”

About 49% of people surveyed would like to find someone to couple up with for winter, 26% experience loneliness on the cold nights, 25% simply want a partner for activities, and 18% feel isolated because their friends are in relationships, says Paddy Power research. 

‘Cuffing’ is multi-faceted. It protects us from loneliness, it satisfies our intimacy needs, and affords us social validation. Singletons over 30 are questioned about ‘settling down’. Or, worse, they are pitied and told, ‘Don’t worry you’ll find someone.’

Cuffing is subconscious. Once the cold starts to set in, the evolutionary pull to connect with others gets stronger. It’s our programming as a species. We attach ourselves to people with whom we may not necessarily see a future, but with whom there is attraction, and, for the season, that’s all we need.

We seek out a buffer, someone whose presence at events will shield us from uncomfortable exchanges about why we are single.

October to March is a very prominent time for dating. Christmas pulls on the heart strings. You can’t avoid the ‘lovey dovey’ television advertising. It’s a very emotionally charged time that tends to make even an ice queen like me sentimental. 

Then, there’s New Year’s Eve: We all want someone when the clock strikes 12. And, lest we forget, Valentine’s Day, on February 14, is waiting in the wings. No wonder Kelleher is busiest at this time of year. Surveys show a surge in the use of dating apps, too.

Dating apps

Speaking of apps, one in three couples now meet online. Bumble is the fastest-growing dating app in the world. And remember Tinder? It was looked at as a hook-up app, and that if you were over 25 and still on it you were in the same bracket as a delusional drunk at a wedding who becomes sleezy after a few too many.

The game has changed. Kelleher is a Tinder cheerleader: “Tinder is on fire in Ireland right now! For all ages,” she says.

Her clients find apps exhausting, but she considers them a great resource, though “you have to have a strategy, and a thick skin to roll with the punches”, she says. The problem, she says, is singletons approaching dating apps with a pessimistic attitude and in a self-deprecating manner.

That defeatist mentality won’t serve you well on dating apps, and even if there are “time wasters on them for a dopamine hit”, most people are seeking genuine connection, Kelleher says.

Too much choice confuses us, research shows. So, whether you’re shopping for new clothes, bathroom tiles, or a ‘winter wife/hibernation hubby’, once there are more than three of anything to choose from our brains become overwhelmed. That’s too many options.

So, stop collecting dating-app matches as if they’re coins in Super Mario and skip to in-person meet-ups as soon as possible.

Don’t over-invest in a stranger, don’t outsource your happiness, and don’t find a false sense of security in someone you’ve never met. These are all pitfall for app users if you project too much without having met the person.

Messaging on dating apps is a form of interviewing potential candidates. Remain neutral and keep a few pots on the boil at once.

Don’t over-complicate and, also, stay mysterious. John Gray’s motto, ‘We value what we earn’, is one to keep in mind.

Texting too frequently removes the point of a first date. The risk is that you will share too much, too soon. Keep your intrigue; it’ll make them ask you out sooner.

Love is a numbers’ game: You must be out meeting as many people as possible to find one you like. And messaging is no substitute for meeting: Someone you’re on the fence about in text can dazzle you with charisma in person. Kelleher has witnessed couples of convenience blossom in to lovely, healthy relationships.

Chemistry can grow

“People labour under the misapprehension that it should be fireworks instantly, but chemistry can grow: A person who meets your needs becomes very attractive.”

Friendship, chemistry, and shared values are the triumphant trio, the three essential components of a relationship.

Anyone above a five on the hotness scale should qualify as a horse in the race, Kelleher says. Feedback from her clients suggest a five upwards has potential.

There are do’s and don’ts for conversation, too. Firstly, do not ask personal questions. You’re touching people’s defences. Instead, use leading questions.

Show you’re enthusiastic about this person and their life by asking ‘how?’ and ‘why?’. Get the person talking about what they enjoy. They’ll light up while reminiscing about their favourite concert and begin to associate that positive emotion with you.

Stay focused: The purpose of a dating app is to find someone with whom you connect, so meet up and build a rapport. You’re not looking for a penpal. The longer you chat online the less likely it is you’ll get a date.

Profile photos do 90% of the work, so choose wisely. Surprisingly, it’s not the sexy pics that seal the deal. Ladies shouldn’t make the mistake of using the pic of them posing in their little black dress and guys shouldn’t use that mirror selfie of them displaying a six-pack on which a girl could grate cheese. They’ll do you no favours.

The best bait is action pics. Horse riding or riding a bike sporting a friendly smile is much more likely to bag you a match.

The purpose of your photos is to give the person a glimpse of what being a part of your life would involve. Make it look fun. It is important to highlight that cuffing is not the same as using someone. Using is when there is zero attraction, while cuffing is being more open to exploring potential, rather than holding out for someone who ticks all the boxes.

So, throw away your checklist and get swiping with an open mind. There are diamonds in the rough, and even if you don’t find Mr Right, Mr Right for Now is trending for the autumn/winter season.