Dear Dáithí: Do I have to give up my Christmas traditions for my husband and his family?

My husband’s family make a big deal about meeting up on Christmas Eve, but for me that time is for getting ready for the real thing — Christmas Day.

Growing up, we always had a big buffet Christmas Day breakfast and people pop in and have a glass of Prosecco and help themselves to pancakes or a fry-up or Christmas cake. 

My husband’s family prefer a more formal four-course dinner in the middle of the day with no surprise guests.

We are married a few years now, but we always went home to our own families till now when we have the twins. 

I had a wonderful childhood and want to give brilliant memories to our children and I love telling them that I used to light the candle on this exact candle holder when I was a child, but my husband’s family want us to fill the house with their decorations and traditions. 

Does one of us have to give up our traditions?

There was a tradition years ago that when a couple married during the year that they would spend their first Christmas with the bride’s family, I don’t know where this comes from or even if it’s very common but it’s what we did, and I was happy to go along with that ‘tradition’. 

It might also have been the first lie she told me in our marriage, anyway we are still together and did me no harm! 

You both seemed to have dodged this one where up until the arrival of the twins you have spent it apart and now there seems to be a clash of traditions or more simply a difference in the way of doing things. This happens in every family.

Let’s focus first of all on the biggest thing both families have in common, you all love Christmas and love celebrating it, the problem is you both put emphasis on different parts of the celebrations, and this is OK, but what I’d be saying to do is that down the road and because the twins will be the main focus from now on, that you and your husband make new traditions that suit you both. 

Because this is going to be a compromise, I think you should sit down and make a list of all the things you love about Christmas and ask him to do the same and meet in the middle. Pick out what you both love, and do that.

Now if you can’t agree on this, do it your way one year and his way the following year. But the reality is that the twins will dictate what will happen and there might be no real celebrations because it will be all about Santy coming.

I like the thought of having post-breakfast and pre-Christmas drinks, to be honest, because Santy comes soooo early in the morning there are years I don’t even make it to dessert without a nap. 

The nap now is my main tradition every Christmas, and I love it, and more importantly it loves me back!

You are so right wanting to pass on traditions like lighting candles to the next generation, it’s so important, and the fact that you have such fond memories is so lovely and precious. 

Again, your husband’s people seem to want to go all out, but remember that this is your house and not theirs, also this is your new family’s Christmas. 

There is a discussion to be had here about all of this and it’s very important to remember that Christmas is for all and not just some.

I think you have written just in time, especially when it comes to what could happen on Christmas Day itself, I’d imagine that the decorations are up by now, and I hope not too many, and that your candle is lighting.

Today is the day to have the conversation about what should happen, and your husband has to meet you in the middle. 

Is it going to be a big one on Christmas Eve, a big buffet breakfast the following morning with prosecco, or a four-course sit-down formal meal? It does sound like a two-day food orgy, and as appealing and all as that sounds to some, I don’t think it’s the answer.

How about if everything was smaller this year? With the twins, things are just different. So we’re talking about a smaller do on Christmas Eve, a light breakfast with prosecco, and having a later, less formal Christmas dinner where one or two might stop by later in the evening. 

The thing with this is that either everyone will be happy with this, or no one will, and there’s only one way to find out and that’s by saying it. Get the husband on board first and then go to the families.

Just in case this will be a huge problem and because it’s close enough to Christmas and maybe plans have been already made, I would be the bigger person and say: ‘OK, it’s fine for this year but I would like things to change for next year’, because it’s important to you to start your own new family traditions.

You would be showing a lot of maturity here and it would be very hard to argue against it when the time comes next year.

It really does sound to me that you haven’t even spoken to your husband about this and now is the time to find out what he really thinks about the whole thing.

 It will be good to clear the air on this one because once it’s dealt with, you won’t be thinking or worrying about it next year and the year after.

Before I go — you will probably have to compromise about certain things, so think carefully about what you really want!