Ask Audrey: That rapper Eminem is back in vogue with kids these days — Fortnite or something

He’s the one going to be pulling the strings because the gomies in Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil will do anything to get into government. 

In fairness, he’s more entertaining than anyone else in the game — I’d rather go to a poetry night in St Lukes than spend five minutes with Simon Harris. 

But you know the way they are in Kerry — all they want is to put one over on Cork. 

So they’ll get that Event Centre we were promised and all the good flights will be going out of Kerry Airport and we’ll be stuck with knob-end business routes like Frankfurt and Zurich.

I know he’s only a southsider but surely Micheál Martin wouldn’t sell us down the swanny for a job. Will you ring him there and tell him we’re very worried on the northside?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang his office there and the woman said he can’t come to the phone because he’s too busy choosing. I said, “a coalition partner?”. She said: “No, the model of Merc he’d like as Taoiseach.” #SoLongSuckers #Priorities

It’s getting ‘Yo, watch your language’ in our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Don’t Allow Eminem to Be Played in our Volvo XC90. 

I don’t know if you know this Audrey, but that rapper Eminem is back in vogue with kids these days because of Fortnite or something. (All I know is my kids disappear with their screens for three hours every night and myself and My Ken get some time to wonder where the people next door get their money.) 

Anyway, I was driving my little Hugo back from cricket yesterday and he had his friend Other Hugo with him. 

I let them choose what they want to listen to on Spotify and suddenly the air was blue with curses, Eminem singing eff this and eff that, it was like standing at the school gates in Passage West. (Not that I’d know.)

Two hours later Other Hugo’s Mom, Fifi_IncredibleCheekbones was on our WhatsApp saying she asked him to empty the dishwasher when he got home and he told her to “eff the eff off, you effing effer”. 

I replied, “can’t believe he called you a heifer”, and it got 10 laugh emojis in 30 seconds, a new record for The Stunners. 

But Fifi wants to talk to me face-to-face, who even does that any more? Should I tell her to eff off?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I don’t care what you do. Did you and Your Ken ever figure out where your neighbours get their money, I’ve a nose on me about that myself.

My husband died last year, it was a relief to be honest, the traffic up by the nursing home was after getting very heavy. 

I didn’t start dating straight away because his sisters are very quick to judge, but literally six months after he took his last breath, I signed up for this dating app aimed at people in their 70s called Better than Nothing. 

I pretended to be interested in long walks ending with a toasted sandwich by the fire in a country pub, but the truth is I was dying for a bit of nooky. 

I’d settle for someone from Carrigaline. It’s a thing apparently, called Widow’s Fire. 

I thought this was just an excuse for wild sex made up by swingers, but no, grief causes lust and how bad. 

I met this lovely guy, we have sex in his house every Wednesday afternoon, I’m counting down the hours every week even though I have to drive to Bandon.

I said to him, why don’t we get together at the weekends as well and he was appalled at the idea Audrey. 

“Sex twice a week,” he said, “is it in Kinsale you think you are?” 

I feel bad now in case he thinks I’m too randy. So, what is the proper amount of sex for a 75-year-old woman?

— Amy, Monkstown.

Sorry, I’d love to help, but old people having sex gives me the total ick. I need a shower now just after reading that.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

Well bad cess to Christmas anyway and heading off to some drab city in central Europe when I could be wedged in beside the fire in a pub in Kanturk. 

My new fella wants to take me on a surprise city-break this weekend, luke warm wine and horrible cakes made with cinnamon. Nobody likes cinnamon. Is there any way out?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My cousin runs an Excuse Service, it will get you out of anything. I rang her there and said “what would you recommend?”. 

She said: “I have these fake covid tests, they show a positive every time.” I said, “what if it doesn’t work?”.

She said: “I can also send her covid in a bottle, she’ll have symptoms in two hours, so even if she does end up going, she won’t be able to taste the cinnamon.” #Result