Ask Audrey: 'The wife insists she’s been dropping hints since September... I haven't a clue what to get her'

To be honest, I’ve never been on a bus in my life, you could end sitting next to your house-keeper and the conversation would be brutal (for both of us Audrey, I’m under no illusions.) Is it fierce common on the Park and Ride bus, and do you meet a better class of passenger upstairs? 

-  Doreene, Bandon.

I told my Posh Cousin you were worried about ‘the smart set’ in West Cork. She nearly laughed up a lung.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Bad cess to over-playing your hand on a dating app when you’re half way down a bottle of rum. I was sick and tired of going out with lads with bad knees and sore arms and that craic so I downloaded this dating app for fit people called Fancy Some Action? 

Well didn’t I hook a dinger from Douglas inside in Cork, he’s an Ironman he tells me, in more ways than one, stop now, the nuns could be reading. I was having a Rum and Coke evening with Berna, we dress up as pirates and say ‘Arrrr We Having Another One My Pretty, we arrrr?’ until Berna falls asleep. 

Didn’t I go on the app when she conked out and told your man in Douglas that I’m a champion figure skater no less, don’t ask what came over me. Worse again, didn’t the gowl book two tickets for us to go ice-skating in Pairc Ui Chaoimh, apparently it’s something he’s always wanted to do and he’d love to learn from a pro. 

I’m trying to figure out what’s the best approach here. Like, my balance is like the town of Scartaglin at closing time. Do you think I should come clean and tell him that it was all down to the rum, me hearty? 

-Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

You should never tell the truth on a dating app. I have a protective boot on standby here in case I need to get out of unnecessary exercise, I’ll give you a loan. Tell him change of venue, you’ll meet in a barrrrr.

C’mere, what’s the story with not listening to your old doll? She’s smug as a southsider all week because she has my Christmas present and apparently I’m going to love it. (She’s got me the same thing for the last five years, trip to Anfield, fierce stressful trying to act surprised on Christmas morning.) 

She keeps asking me what I’m getting her, knowing full well I haven’t bought her anything yet because it isn’t Christmas Eve. We’re now into cat and mouse territory. 

She insists she’s been dropping hints what she wants since September, I’m 'no way girl' to that, which is a bluff because I’m not the best at listening what with being a bloke and everything. She normally caves in about 10 days before Christmas and tells me what to buy, but this his year, nothing. Not a sniff. 

This is serious. The last time I bought her a present without guidance, we ended up in counselling and that nearly cost as much as the exercise bike that caused it. I’m thinking of tickling her until she tells me, the risk there is she might wee herself like the last time. How am I going to find out?

-Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

She’ll tell you Monday. Another exercise bike incident could lead to divorce and have you seen the price of one-bed flats?

So hey, I share an apartment with this Spanish girl, there’s nothing going on she’s totally out of my league. We’re staying in the apartment over Christmas, we’re going to have a chicken and keep each other company I suppose. 

The thing is, I’m totally in love with her. I was thinking of putting on Love Actually after dinner and when it comes to bit where your man is expressing himself to Keira Knightley via hand-written card, I was going to stand up and with a card saying, ‘Te amo’. 

You mightn’t know this because you live in Ballinlough, but that’s the Spanish for I love you. I’ve never had a proper girlfriend before — it’s not my looks, people say I’m cute for someone from Sligo, but I’m so fecking shy. 

I’m getting nervous even writing this, but do you think I should tell my flatmate that I love her, during Love Actually?

-Kev, St Lukes.

I do actually. Happy Christmas Kev. And the rest of ye.