Dear Dáithí: I feel so hurt my friend group left me out of a weekend away

I am 58 years old and am part of a fabulous group of friends, men and women, we do lots of things together, we are part of a walking group, we have a monthly book club, we do charity work and we have nights out to the theatre about four times a year. 

I'm usually the one who organises things and I set up our Whatsapp group and I usually choose the days outs and things like that. I do have a partner but he would not be of good health, and wouldn't really like the activities that we do. He's happy to leave me at it. 

But I recently found out that some of the group organised a weekend away together. Without telling me! I was very hurt by this. 

When I broached it at a recent coffee morning, they brushed it aside, saying other people weren't invited either and we don't have to do EVERYTHING as a group and besides, because I have a partner, I can go away on weekends with him any time I want. 

That's not the point! Why did they exclude me? It's making me depressed and worried that they are organising other things behind my back.  

There are lots of balls in the air here and I’m even wondering where to start with all of this. It's great that you have such a busy group of people to socialize with and it does sound like you do a lot together. You can’t talk to your usual people about this because in once sense these are some of the people how have upset you. 

I don’t think you should feel silly at all, but I do think we should deep dive into the hurt you are feeling and try to see the wood from the trees, because I think this is very important and we should also take a look at “the rules” of a WhatsApp group.

I learnt a long time ago about hurt and that you’re hurt the moment you believe yourself to be. Nobody else is in control of that feeling, only you.

I think you might be a bit shocked along with everything else. You thought that there was only one WhatsApp group with you all in there, and you’ve now found that there is a splinter group.

You might be surprised with this, but you shouldn’t be. This happens everyday and for every WhatsApp group in Ireland there is a splinter group to go with it. There is nothing strange about this and certainly nothing wrong with it.

It’s a group within a group that have more in common with each other than others in the group. I think where it is not sitting well with you is that you are outside this group, and you don’t like that feeling.

You have done a lot of “work” with the original group, and this is where the hurt comes in too.

You ask why they excluded you, and I don’t know why. It might be that you weren’t put in as opposed to being excluded — and there is a difference.

Being deliberately excluded, as in “don’t tell her”, is very different to someone thinking you might not be interested in going away for a weekend or something like that.

As you’ve said, you as a group do “a lot of things together” and that is just it — “a lot” but not everything together.

What might be everything to you might not be for others, and this is not a bad thing.

This goes back in one way to the rules of a WhatsApp group: There are no rules, they don’t exist. There is no rule saying that two out of a group of eight can’t set up a new group. Others in the group weren’t invited into the new group, and I think it would be wise to talk to one or two of them and see how they’re feeling.

It’s happened to me a few times where the original group runs out of steam and newer groups take over, this might be happening and when you chat to some of your friends this might be the case.

I’d imagine that there is one person in the group that you really pull well with. You should talk sooner rather than later. That will be good for your head, and you should gain some clarity.

The fog should lift.

You must keep in mind too that there might be more than one splinter group at work, so I suggest that you start your own with the people you like and off you go. Be proactive. You have enough going on in your life with your husband not being in good health. Worrying about this type of stuff can make you sick.

I’m sure he is happy to leave you at it, but I don’t think he’d be that happy if he thought you were depressed and worried about all of this. He probably doesn’t even know how you are feeling.

You should chat to him too and get his insight on things.

So, to finish: WhatsApp groups within groups are normal just nobody told you about it, so don’t take it personally and don’t let it get you down. Start your own group with the people you really like and only do the activities that you are really interested in. Do something that includes your husband, the ones he can do. It is important that he’s part of the gang every now and then. You’re only 58, you’re a young woman with a lot to do still. I do have a motto when it comes to what other people think of me, and it’s one I believe in and it is: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” You can’t please everyone, so try and please yourself. Don’t heed what others think. Opinions are like arse holes, everyone has one!