How to navigate not-so-happy families at Christmas
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“Have a holly, jolly Christmas. It’s the best time of the year,” croons Michael Bublé. But is it?
For some, yes of course it is, but Christmas can be a particularly difficult time for people who have challenging family dynamics. And with Christmas so wrapped up in the idea of family, some will watch its approach with dread.
Christmas movies, TV series and ads bombard us with the idea of idyllic family time. Everyone gathered around a table laden with a massive turkey and an excessive Christmas dinner, wearing party hats, pulling crackers, playing party games, good-naturedly slagging each other, laughing merrily at grandad’s jokes. Think National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
But the reality for a lot of people is far from this glossy snapshot. It’s more like the tension-filled Seven Fishes episode of Disney’s The Bear. A Christmas dinner packed with a motley crew of immediate and extended family with a shed-load of unresolved issues, which simmer excruciatingly and eventually blow up in a most unexpected way. Yes, it’s TV, but the tension, personality clashes, sibling rivalry, alcohol, and anger may well be familiar to many on Christmas Day.
“What’s put out in the media and social media isn’t always the reality for everyone. Christmas is pitched as a time of connection, but many people are disconnected from their families, or they may have ongoing difficulties with them.
"Seeing all the ads and photos online can reinforce their feelings of sadness or stress at their own situation,” explains Tara Connolly, systemic psychotherapist (family therapist).
With the run-up to Christmas coming earlier and earlier each year, these feelings of stress and sadness can go on for months ahead of Christmas Day itself.
“Christmas has become a six-week run-in now,” says Shane Murphy, family psychotherapist.
This has an impact on people who are feeling stressed, or in financial difficulty, or are dealing with grief. This big push and drive on the commercial side of things is not helping with the bigger picture problems that we have.
Tara advises that those feeling anxious or on edge about Christmas try and take time to reflect and slow down.
“Take stock of what’s important to you. Be realistic and make achievable goals. Strip it right back to its simplest form - having a peaceful day, and if you have children, that they are happy. And remind yourself that what you’re seeing on Instagram isn’t reality.
“Have a plan. With some families it can feel like you’re locked in to ‘we’ve always done Christmas this way’ but you can set your own boundaries. If you’ve decided not to go to your family home for Christmas, mention this ahead of time by saying, ‘we’d love to attend but we’re going to do Christmas at our own place this year for a change’.”
If not attending at all feels like too much of a big decision, you can always come up with a compromise, says Tara.
“Rather than spend the whole day with your family, you can say you’ll be there at a certain time and you’ll be leaving again after the dinner, or whatever suits you. Or you can attend this year, but say ‘next year we’ll be spending Christmas on our own or with so-and-so’s family’. Be clear about your plans, but don’t over explain it.
“It's just about reaffirming yourself. It's about strengthening your boundaries around what you want and what you need in life. You need to be selfish. I know people cringe when they hear the word selfish; we don’t want to be seen putting ourselves first, but my advice is to learn to say no. And this is the harder one for people, is to learn how to say no without an excuse,” says Shane.
Every family is different and the dynamics are as unique as the people. When grown siblings return to the family home at Christmas time, old rivalries can resurface. While a lot of people will have positive sibling relationships and healthy rivalries, some sibling relationships can be at best described as challenging. Spending time with these siblings, in the family home, can trigger bad childhood memories and prompt unhappy emotions, says Tara.
Returning to the family home can see people revert to old roles they had in their family. We often see there’s a competitive rivalry between siblings which continues into adulthood.
"If you aren’t having a good year, if you’re struggling financially, for example, you could be looking ahead to Christmas Day with dread. Plan ahead, what would you like to talk about, what topics do you know will cause an argument, who is most likely to ruffle your feathers - consider all of this and make a plan.”
And if it feels like things are too overwhelming, take a breather. “You know your own triggers, so if you feel like things are heating up you can counteract that. Plan an excuse to leave for a short while - talk a walk, say you need to get petrol, go upstairs for five minutes, or call a friend. Prioritise yourself and take that time to re-gather your thoughts,” says Tara.
Sometimes though, the family arguments will be inevitable, and you might not make it out in time. If that happens, Tara says try to keep your side of the conversation neutral and light and if there are any barbed comments try to let them go over your head.
“Say to yourself, this is not going to ruin my day. Laugh it off, move on. And if an argument does continue, have a plan to remove yourself.”
Shane explains how some couples will have come up with a code word ahead of time so that they know when one of them is feeling under pressure and wants to leave.
Agree in advance on a code word that you say to each other. It can be stressful spending time with immediate family, but also spending time with your in-laws, particularly if there are tensions.
"The code word will give your partner the heads up that you’re ready to go, and it works instead of giving each other ‘the look’ that everybody sees, which could in turn cause more arguments.”
“At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself ‘what do I want from the day’,” advises Tara.
“You are joining that group - whether it’s your family or your in-laws - for a period of time on Christmas Day. If you have a challenging family dynamic, lower your expectations, the time you spend there doesn’t need to be magical. Honour it as best you can," she advises.
"Be there and just get through the day. And then come up with creative ways to do what you want to do. Hold the space for Christmas to be a calm and a happy one for you.”