Richard Hogan: Help! I'm worried my kids will prefer Christmas with my ex

I don’t earn as much as my husband and I know his presents are going to be much bigger and better than the ones I get them. Also it has been an awful couple of weeks trying to come to an agreement about who gets the kids for Christmas. 

My ex-husband is very hard to deal with. The reason I’m writing to you is because I just found out he wants to take them on a holiday after St Stephens day. He has a new girlfriend and I’m not sure how I feel about that. 

But my kids are so excited, I don’t know what to do. I have always loved Christmas, but now I have an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

Please help.

I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time, lately. When we separate from a partner after building a life together and bringing beautiful children into the world, the fall-out when it ends can be incredibly painful to experience. It sounds like this is recent enough, so this year is a year of firsts. 

Your children’s first birthdays separated, your own birthday, Halloween, and now Christmas. When we do anything repeatedly, we start to place huge significance on it. But the important first thing to remember is that this will all be over soon and we will be heading into a new year and spring will arrive. 

December can feel like an Everest of time, dark and lonely, but in reality it will all be over very soon and light will return. So, just keep that in mind and understand that this will be the first Christmas separated for you all. 

My first tip is to watch your expectations of this Christmas. It will not be like any Christmas you have experienced before, so allow for it to be different. We can experience all sorts of pain when we try to make everything perfect, when in reality we know it is not. Don’t try to have the best Christmas ever, just have the one that’s in front of you right now. 

You will have great Christmas’s again, but this is your first one after going through a difficult separation. Acknowledge that, and try to find some nice moments in it for you and your children. The family has changed, but it can still be a happy place where you all thrive.

It sounds like it has been very difficult arranging where the children go this Christmas. In relation to presents, children will, of course, be delighted with the expensive present and they might even talk about it a lot for a day or two. But remember, it is not the presents that your children truly need or want; they want and need love. 

They will grow up soon and become adults and they will reflect on these years. They will know what really happened in these moments. So keep in mind that children remember the love they felt and the care they received.

If I was to ask you, how many big presents do you recall? I would say very few. What does that tell you? While big presents are a hit in the immediate moment, they are not what sustains a child into adulthood. 

Try to have fun with them and don’t compare what your husband can afford to what you can afford. We often overly spend on our children when we feel guilty for how we have treated them. I have never met a child that said my dad/mom was really great they bought me so much but gave me nothing of their time or love. 

So don’t forget what truly matters this Christmas, that’s your relationship with them, not what you can buy them.

This is your first experience of your ex-partner having a girlfriend. It is only natural that it has brought up all sorts of mixed feelings. Be compassionate with yourself. Of course you don’t know how to feel about that, and now he wants to bring your children on a holiday together. 

This is a difficult first, and one I have worked with many times in my career. You haven’t said whether or not he is bringing his new girlfriend on the holiday also. But the reality is, this is going to be an aspect of your life moving forward. You, more than likely, will go back into another relationship and your children will form relationships with the people you bring into their lives. 

I would always advise that you only introduce new partners when you feel the relationship is steady and you can trust the person with your children’s feelings.

It is unsettling for children when different partners are constantly brought into their lives and then leave again. You did say that your ex-partner is difficult to deal with so that might not be an easy conversation but one that needs to take place before you agree to your children going on a holiday with them.

This Christmas will not be like any you have had before. Accept that, and find joy in the little simple moments with your children. That’s the stuff they’ll remember.