Dear Dáithí: My girlfriend follows muscular lads — I'm not muscular, and am now feeling insecure

I didn't realise it, until a friend pointed it out, but they are all fall under a very particular type — more or less the opposite of me! They are all buff, sporty, broad-chested, ripped abs — and I guess you can deduce that is not my body type.

This is bringing up a lot of insecurities or me. I used to get bullied at school, I was a late bloomer and PE classes used to be torture for me.

Our sex life has deteriorated since I've made this discovery, because I actually can't believe she finds me attractive so I'm avoiding being close to her.

I almost feel like breaking up with her before she dumps me. We have been together for two years and I love her, but I feel like she can do better than me.

I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this. Have you any advice for me?

Let’s start with the easy part here and that’s your girlfriend. She hasn’t done anything wrong. So she follows male influencers who are ‘buff, sporty and ripped’... 

I’d imagine if went investigating the accounts of most of the women in this country I’d find the same thing. And if I dug a little deeper, I’d find that their boyfriends are not like them but more like you.

The same thing can be said if the shoe was on the other foot. Here is where we draw the line between the online world and the real world — and don’t forget you live in the real world. 

A lot of people seem to forget this, yes, we all spend a lot of time online, but don’t forget where your real home is.

All that said, this has triggered something inside you that has left you worried and deflated — and that, my friend, is not a nice place to be. 

The Greek philosopher Epictetus once said: "You are hurt the moment you believe yourself to be." And that is exactly what has happened here. 

Hurt by your own insecurities and nothing else, and this has now led you down a road where you are thinking of breaking up with a girl you are attracted to and love.

We are now going to pull the handbrake and turn back because this is not going to happen.

Your insecurities are clear to be seen; and because you know them this will make it easier to get over all of this. Trying to pinpoint the problems can sometimes be the main problem. 

School days bullies can be hard to shake off; and being a late bloomer added fuel to the fire at the time, but these days are long gone, and you need to move past them in your mind, there are no more PE classes for you. 

You’re done with them, and they are behind you so let go of that feeling. Again, we are focusing on the reality in the real world.

MADNESS

You are going out with this girl for two years and everything was and still is going great, only now because this is in your head and nowhere else, you’re staying away from her and avoiding being close with her. This is madness.

I bet she is the one thinking that you don’t like her anymore. In her mind you have started acting strange and now or very soon she’ll think there’s something up. 

You can’t believe she finds you attractive. You’re worried that she will find someone better than you. Well boy, she will if you don’t cop on and get over yourself!

You say you’re too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this: look, you’ve written to me about it, and the sky hasn’t fallen in. 

So, you need to talk to her, and you need to go right back to your school days. It's not going to be easy, but I do know that you will feel relieved after it.

You know this girl a long time and she will understand. I would be honest be and tell her what sparked this off but remember that this issue here lays with you really. 

Yes, who she is following on Instagram upset you — but for all the wrong reasons. I would tell her too that you’re working on it and that it might take a little time.

I think she will understand when you explain what happened to you years ago, but it might come as a bit of a shock to he,r as she hasn’t heard this before and to be honest, you haven’t dealt with it until now, so this is all new to you both. 

You need to heal, and I think both of you as a couple might have to heal after this too.

But if you do nothing about this now and for example if you do break up and you meet someone down the road the same thing will happen again.

Did this happen before to you when in another relationship? Only you will know and it's nobody else's business if it did.

I bet she will be happy though to have an explanation for why you’ve been distant with her, I’d imagine she has been thinking about this because any abnormal behaviour is always detected. 

There are lots of undercurrents here and all need to be aired out between you both.

The main thing to remember here is that nobody has done anything wrong: all that has happened is that your insecurities in your head have overtaken reality in real life. 

You have identified that and you’re going to work on them while you explain to a woman you love that what happened to you years ago still lingers on today. 

That said, it will test the strength of your relationship but if it’s true love all will be fine.