Dear Dáithí: Why can’t I find the perfect soulmate?

I think I have a lot to offer. But I'm getting so fed up with the women out there. 

All I want is to find someone nice. I'm not looking for a supermodel. 

I like hiking and I have this idea in my mind of spending my weekends away with a special person, hiking, having fun, being romantic, going out for dinner etc. 

Why is it so hard to find someone to share this goal with? 

The dating apps, I just can't deal with anymore, I think everything is going well, we'll chat for a bit, and then they'll either ghost me, or tell me they don't want to waste my time and it's not a good fit, or something like that. 

I'm not into pub culture, I'm joined a local walking group but there is no one there that fits the bill for a romantic partner. 

I play five a side soccer, but it's all guys. Where the hell am I supposed to meet someone? 

I feel the time slipping away, and I'm lonely, I just want a nice girl to plan the next stage of my life with. 

Life seems to being passing you by and standing still at the same time for you. 

Flying by in the sense that you’ve all the ducks in a row and static when it comes to what seems like the final part and maybe biggest part of this jigsaw, a partner. 

The problem with normal, okay-looking guys who have good jobs is that they have spend a lot of time looking for a nice place to rent, and staying fit - that something had to give way to all of this, but now that you have what you have, you need to change things up a little. 

You need to change up your ‘normal’ life and add a bit of spice. You need to come out of your comfort zone.

The reason why I think you’re finding it hard to find ‘someone nice’ is because you’re looking in the wrong places. 

You play five-a-side and like hiking and don’t like pubs, none of these will lead you to the promised land. 

So, if I’m being honest, you have put yourself on that island and only you can change it. That island is a very lonely place, and you even said that at the end of your letter. 

I’m sorry if I sound blunt but I think you need to hear it for what it is. The reason why it’s hard to find someone to share this goal with is because it’s your goal, not yours and someone else’s, you need to meet someone to set a goal for both of you. 

You just haven’t found that person yet. The goal by the way is a lovely one, having fun with someone special and being romantic and going out for dinner with someone you fancy, or love is the best feeling in the world, so don’t give up on that dream. 

Knowing that these dreams will happen someday will keep us going through the lonely days.

LOOKING TOO HARD

The world of dating has changed so much in the last few years and even the way of telling someone they are not interested has vanished, ghosting is the coward's and easy way out and anyone who does this doesn’t deserve you. 

I can imagine that this is very frustrating, especially when you seem to be having a good time chatting with someone and then they’re gone. 

You really can’t take this personally; it seems to be the norm these days and I agree with you its such a waste of time.

Now you have joined a local walking group and as you say, ‘nobody fits the bill’, I’m going to be honest here again, I think you are looking too hard. 

I think you’re looking for a partner in every situation that you’re in, and the longer that this is going on, the harder it’s becoming, the more frustrated you will become, 

It’s almost like an addiction at this stage, and it can’t turn into that, because when you do find ‘the one’, it won’t start off from a good place - and it'll be doomed from the outset. 

What might happen is you’ll fall in love straight away, because you’ll think she’s the one, and she’ll be in the normal early stage and you'll scare her off, so you need to calm down.

You need to stop looking and enjoy everything else that’s happening in the world around, and you know what will happen when you stop, someone will come across your path. 

It’s like Murphy's Law, the second you stop looking for something you’ll find it. So be patient. 

Now, I know you’re not looking for a supermodel, but if she is one, will you send on a picture, 'til I have a good look at her? Good man.

NO SHAME IN THE LÉIM

So where do we go from here?

I think we do a lot of socializing in our pubs, and I know you’re not mad about the pub scene, but I think you’ll have to give it a try. 

Go with one of the lads from the five a side and go to a few different places. 

Tell your friend you are looking for action, not a wife, otherwise you’ll might frighten him too. You just never know who you’ll meet. 

You might meet someone in the same situation as you, someone who doesn’t like pubs and off you go. 

What about concerts? They are a great place to meet someone or to go on a date. 

What about your five-a-side friends again? Ask them if their girlfriends have a friend for a blind date. 

You should sit down and write out the activities you like doing and that are fun and be proactive. 

You need to get off your arse, or you’ll give the rest of your weekends sitting on it, and we don’t want that. 

Don’t forget that there’s no shame in looking for the léim, we have all been there at some stage.