Ask Audrey: My kids are plotting in Irish — is there a better way to learn than watching more TG4?

If I tell my mother that I allowed Traolach to go to some kind of Tech, she’ll have me out of the will faster than you could say, “We’ll be a laughing stock in Sundays Well Tennis Club, Trev,”. And who could blame her? 

My husband is no good — he only went to Coláiste Chríost Rí and has this weird notion that meeting people from different backgrounds is character forming. 

Why don’t we send him to prison altogether Donal, I said to him last week in the Hotel Europe but he couldn’t hear me with all the condensation in the steam room. 

I tried telling Traolach that he’d meet a better class of person in Pres or Christians and they’d definitely go skiing on their school tour. 

He threw that back in my face, saying that skiing was for snobs, as if there was something wrong with snobs! Have you any tips Audrey?

— Hazel, Model Farm Road

I contacted your son. It turns out he’s getting revenge on you for calling him Traolach. And I can’t say I blame him.

C’mere, what’s the story with driving down from Tipperary every day? 

I’ve started a new job in Little Island, it’s the berries, there are people are from all over the world and the old dolls do be off the scale. 

The problem is this one sitting next to me drives down from Tipperary every day. She’s not bad looking now for Clonmel. But I feel awful sorry for her. 

It must be bad enough coming from Tipperary, but having to see what it’s like to live in Cork every day, and still have to drive back to Clonmel, probably listening to The 2 Johnnies, that must be desperate. 

Now, I appreciate this is the kind of view that gets Cork a bad name, arrogance like, so I haven’t said anything to her, I just treat her as if she was from Cork. 

But I have an irresistible urge to say, “C’mere girl, it’s a free country, why don’t you move to Cork, you’d probably be able to afford somewhere horrible like Watergrasshill.” 

Again I know this is not a good idea, in fact it’s just the kind of thing that cost me my last job when I asked a lad from Kerry if he wanted help tying his laces. How can I fight my urges?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I don’t think anyone is going to fire you for saying something horrible to someone from Clonmel. Sure if you said anything else, she could die from the shock.

Hello. We are a Polish family living here now for six years. 

I love everything about your country except the Irish language. We have two kids, girl and a boy, and they have been in primary school from the first day. 

Here they have learned Irish and now they are using it against my husband and me. They speak it all the time and I have no idea what they are saying. They could be planning anything! 

This is particularly traumatic for me because when we arrived in Ireland first we had an old TV that could only get TG4, it was terrible, all those documentaries about islands presented by beautiful women with black hair, how come we never see them out on the streets? 

Anyway, I have decided that the only way I can manage my kids is to learn Irish. 

I have asked a few Polish friends with the cupla focal how they do it and they all say the same thing — watch TG4! More documentaries about islands! 

Please say there is a better way to learn your language.

— Kasia, Ballincollig

I decided to become a teacher once because I’m work-shy. They said I’d have to learn Irish. So now I’m an Agony Aunt.

It’s getting Transatlantic on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Turn Left When they Board a Flight for the States. 

It’s October, so it’s all go, giving the au pairs money to buy Halloween Costumes and trying to find a Christmas Shop flight to New York that isn’t full of housewives from Glanmire or Bishopstown. 

Katie_Kool posted yesterday that Aer Lingus is a no-no, a lot of retired air hostesses live in Glanmire and their daughters are afraid to upset Mammy. 

Fifi said we should fly through Paris, the French norries would be classier than anything you’d get in Bishopstown. 

Between the two of us Audrey, I’m trying to keep costs down, my Ken had a misunderstanding with the Revenue. Say nothing, the Stunners hate saving money. 

But what’s the most cost-effective way to avoid mediocre types on a flight to New York?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

My niece is a travel agent. I said, what would you recommend? She said, go to Chicago instead. 

I said why? She said, it’s actually better than New York and most Cork people avoid it like the plague in case the locals laugh at them for pronouncing it Chi-cargo.