Ask Audrey: I’d rather eat a bowl of coddle than sit through another home defeat to the Greeks

I’m done with that now so I went on a dating site called Rides with Road Frontage, where you can hook up with someone who is in line to inherit a farm. That’s how I met David from Clonmel. 

He’s hopeless in the sack but you should see the size of his drive-way. He brought me down to meet the parents last weekend, the mother thinks she’s the Dowager from Downton Abbey, she even asked me if I’d like to use ‘the cloakroom’, meaning the jacks. 

The father looks a bit doddery, I’d say he only has about 10 years left. The mother is a bit of an old rock though, she might be around for ages. 

I’d be totally deva if I married David and we had to make our own way while we were waiting for Mummy to go to her eternal reward. Is there a way of telling how long someone has left?

— Mamie, Dungarvan

My ex is a doctor, I’m totally regretting sleeping with his brother. I said, do you know when someone is going to die? 

He said, I do but I never tell anyone because I like to put a bet on the date in the bookies.

Hello it’s Rosealeen in Ballydesmond. Bad cess to dating habits, you’d have more craic on a retreat with the nuns. 

I matched on an app with this lad in south Limerick last week, things are getting desperate, we were messaging back and forth, I should’ve known something was wrong when he didn’t even send me a photo of his John Rogerson. 

Anyway, we decided to meet up and suddenly there they were, the eight words that no woman in her mid-forties wants to see — Would you like to go for a walk? I would in my arse like to go for a walk. 

Sure if it was that I was interested in, wouldn’t it be more in my line going out and getting a fecking dog?! But he had nice eyes so I met him by Ballyhass Lakes on Sunday. 

Didn’t the gowl turn up in half the middle aisle from Lidl — hiking shoes, a poncho, walking poles and a compass for a one mile loop walk with signposts that would make sense to a man from Scartaglin. 

The old hiking gear is a bigger turn off than the theme tune for the Late Late. He made a snarky comment about my short-shorts and heels. 

It was the least enjoyable 20 minutes of my life, outside of my first marriage. Where can I find a man who doesn’t want to go for a shagging walk?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

All the craic is gone out of walking. I remember guys asking me to ‘go for a walk’ at rugby discos in the late 90s. We didn’t do much walking.

Hi, so myself and my wife are in counselling. There is fault on both sides — I’ve cheated on her four times in two years and she screams at me like A LOT. 

We decided to go down the counselling route because it’s cheaper than a divorce and we both like when people have to listen to us. 

I was worried when I heard that our counsellor was a woman because I thought she’d take my wife’s side, you know the way they are.

But all my fears dissolved when I met this counsellor — five foot ten, blonde, tanned. I’d struggle to find a woman like that on a dating app. 

I’m totally in love with her. I’m fairly sure it’s mutual. She called me a callous sociopath in our session yesterday and you know the way it is with flirting, you’re in when the insults start flying. 

The problem is my wife. She insists on coming along to all our sessions. How can I persuade her to stay at home so I can get a clear run at My Dream Woman?

— Cian, Douglas

My neighbour is a relationship counsellor. Five foot ten, blonde, tanned. I told her what you said. She called the guards.

C’mere, is it possible to break it off with the Irish soccer team? I

’ve always followed the Boys in Green, sure it’s nice to have something in common with people in Dublin and there are plenty of Cork lads in the squad. 

But I’d rather eat a bowl of coddle than travel up to the Aviva and sit through another home defeat to the Greeks. 

I can’t take any more — could you find a buyer for my tricolour Viking helmet, horns and everything?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I found it impossible to watch the Greek match on Tuesday. Without shouting “The things I wouldn’t do their centre-back, he reminds me of a guy I met in Santorini, the shoulders on him.” 

And then they brought on a striker that looked like Peter Andre. More filth about him. My Conor had to sit through all of that. How does he put up with me?