Ask Audrey: Glanmire is better than Ballincollig like a fit of the gawks is better than the runs on a train

I can think of a few things I wish I said to my gynaecologist in the delivery ward. ‘I love you’ isn’t one of them.

Can you get a message to Ursula Van Der Leyen please? She’s the head of the European Commission, my wife and I are huge fans, she seems to have impeccable manners and her hair is nothing short of immaculate. As I said to Deirdre, my wife, we could do with an Ursula Van Der Leyen in the Bridge Club, she’d be the woman to sort us all out! But we all make mistakes and I’m worried that Ursula might have made a huge one, appointing Michael McGrath as the EU Commissioner for Justice. She obviously hasn’t done her homework, because if she did, she’d realise that Michael is from Passage West. I hope it doesn’t make me sound like a snob to say that a man from Passage has no place in the EU Commission. Surely they could have chosen someone refined like Simon Coveney, or someone else in Fine Gael. It’s not like I’m still stuck in the Civil War, but it’s a terrible idea to have someone in FF in charge of Justice. So could you get on to Ursula there and tell her to change her mind? And while you have her, ask if she’d like to come to our Christmas Lunch in the Bridge Club? 

- Ted, Rochestown Road

I rang Ursula there and said, “Look, I wouldn’t expect you to know anything about this, but Michael McGrath is from Passage West.” She said, “What’s all the fuss, it’s not like he’s from Carrigaline.”

How can I tell me wife to put on a bit of weight without getting in trouble? We’re married now for nine years, the sex has gone from great to grand, but sure where would you get the time to have an affair? She put on a few pounds after the twins were born, as I did myself, we were addicted to own brand Chocolate Digestives, you’d need something. To be honest, I’ve always liked my women to have a little bit of padding, so no problem with the missus going up a dress size. Then, at Christmas dinner last year, her bitch of a sister said “None for you Miss Piggy” to my wife when they were handing out dessert. She’s been on a war-footing ever since, training and dieting so she can body shame her sister this coming Christmas. That’s grand, but I’ve no interest in a skinny woman. She looks like one of those Americans on The Real Housewives shows, there isn’t a pick on her. I’ve found myself looking at slightly over-weight women on nights out. I’m thinking of booking the Canaries for Christmas, so she can stop worrying about her bitchy sister and go back on the Digestives. What do you reckon? 

- Colin, Ballinlough

I know your wife. And I know she isn’t going to the Canaries with you because the coach in the Padel club is all over her smoking hot body. Kudos to her for blaming it on the sister.

Hey, I’m moving from Denver Colorado to Cork for work, and I’m bringing the family! I don’t want a huge culture shock for the kids so I’d like to find some place to live that will remind the kids of home. That means living outside the city because man, your houses are tiny! How do people live like that? A colleague said I should choose between Glanmire and Ballincollig, they’re like America without the calories and the houses are bigger there because the locals are trying to cover up their inadequacy. The house prices are slightly higher in Glanmire I think – is that the better area? 

- Chad, Denver.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and asked her if Glanmire is better than Ballincollig. She said, Glanmire is better than Ballincollig in the way that a fit of the gawks is better than the runs when you’re on the train. They’re both awful but if you had to choose, it’s a yes to Glanmire.