Ask Audrey: My wife dumped me to boost her Instagram following

I said what’s that got to do with anything and she was like, Bennifer, Dowcha Donie, Bennifer? 

I thought she was after having a turn, until she explained that Jennifer Lopez is in the headlines because she is getting a divorce from Ben Affleck.

So Thursday morning my old doll announced the break up of Dirley (her name is Shirley). It got three likes, and one of them was off her mam which I thought was a bit sly out of her, there will be words there.

Here’s the twist Audrey — another like came from my ex, Diane, bit of a nob from St Lukes, she was always weak for a bit of Dowcha Donie.

I’m thinking of asking her out, never miss a good opportunity, am I right? The problem is Shirley — we haven’t actually split up, it’s just for her 247 followers on Instagram.

Do you think she’ll mind if I’m seen walking down McCurtain Street with Diane on my arm?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I’ve been down this road before. My Conor and I split up once for tax reasons. Well, I slept with someone working with the Revenue, but you know yourself.

Hey, myself and my partner started dating in college, we were like voted the best looking couple in our year. 

I was looking at some photos there, amazing skin. We’re still together 14 years later, and just bought an apartment in Jacob’s Island (my mother paid for most of it, she’d have her solicitor after me if I didn’t put that in). 

Myself and my partner are really happy, the sex is as good as you’d expect it to be after 14 years (twice a week, special requests for your birthday). The problem is, my partner has lost her looks. 

It’s not her fault in fairness, she’s still got exceptional muscle tone and there isn’t an ounce of fat on her — it’s just, I don’t know, she isn’t a stunner any more.

I’m not thinking of leaving her, she’s still my bestie. But when I say I shouldn’t have to do as much housework as her because I’m better looking, she goes ballistic.

I don’t want to sound like a dick, but it’s not my fault she’s lost her looks. Last night I refused to empty the dishwasher because in fairness, my mother paid for our apartment. 

My partner said I was being unreasonable. Who is being unreasonable here?

— Jay, Jacob’s Island

I think your mother is being unreasonable. Sorry now, but she should have put you somewhere nicer than Jacob’s Island.

Guten Tag. I have been in Ireland now for nine months and I thought I was finally getting a handle on how you people think. Then, the Rose of Tralee happened. 

I work in a data analysis company and my Irish colleagues all have excellent third level degrees, although some of them studied in Limerick. 

But now they have lost their minds, talking about this Rose of Tralee. From a distance it would appear they enjoy watching this show, but after listening for a while, I think they get a perverted pleasure from sneering at a show that was popular with their parents. 

We have a word for that in German but it is too long to fit on one page. 

Now I am thinking I should start my own Rose of Tralee style festival, maybe call it the Lily of Leipzig. 

There is this guy from Kerry in the office, I asked him how you would go about setting up a festival like this. 

He is totally on board as long as I give him 3,000 euro in Bitcoin and a season ticket for Bayern Munich. He seems like a very nice guy in fairness. But can I trust this Kerryman?

— Gunther, Leipzig and Ballincollig

The first and only Kerry man I trusted swore blind he was after having the snip. The result is my 23 year old son, Paudie.

It’s getting expensive on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Spend 400 Euro on Back To School Shoes. 

All the bantz this week are about back to school, with a particular emphasis on what sex romps we’re planning with our husbands (the Kens) now the kids are out of the house. 

I’m thinking of spending 400 quid on a negligee to surprise my Ken, but that probably means I’ll have to get little Fiachra’s winter coat in Lidl. (Our new air conditioner business is ahead of its time, I wish global warming would get a move on in Ireland.) 

Would you pick up the coat for me, I’ve more to lose if I’m spotted in Lidl?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I got the coat just there. I picked up a negligee as well when was in there, as a surprise for your Ken. Don’t take this the wrong way now, but he was very excited when I showed it to him.