Dear Dáithí: My sister invites my abusive ex to family events

My ex-husband was abusive and subjected me to a lot of coercive control. He's angry that I finally got the courage to leave him and has never let go of his bitterness. 

The problem is my sister and my brother-in-law keep inviting my ex to family events without running it by me first. My brother-in-law invited him to my father's funeral where they gave him a seat with the family. 

They say that he's still their brother-in-law and they are doing it for the sake of my kids. I found it very difficult while I was grieving to have to be in the same room as him. 

My son and daughter would prefer if their father stayed away from my family events - the tension is too much for them and they’re concerned he’ll cause a scene. 

My sister and brother-in-law don't seem to care how we feel. How do I deal with this? 

I understand that for any of my children's significant events that my ex will be there but I don't want him at my family events anymore. Am I being unreasonable?

Well, I’m delighted that you’re happily married now for the last 14 years, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot and in one sense you are still dealing with the aftermath of your last horrible relationship. 

I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like to be in the middle of that situation and be able to handle all of that and to make sure the children were always alright and kept safe, you should be very proud of yourself. 

You are a very strong person, but probably didn’t know that at the time. I was so delighted too to read that your children and your present husband get on great together, I’d imagine also that that might have been a worry for you in the beginning.

For me, there is no place hot enough in hell for people who are abusive and coercive. It’s all about them and what they can control. So, when you finally said you had enough, it knocked him back on his arse and from then on you took the control back off him and fair play. Not an easy thing to do at all. 

That bitterness and anger that’s inside him will stay there and unless he admits to all his wrong doings and everything else, it will sink him like acid in the hull of a boat. But that is not your problem. 

Even though your ex is the father of your children, they don’t want anything to do with him, which in itself is a very sad situation. But all this man does still is upset everyone and create tension and at any time could cause a scene. 

Which brings us onto another big problem and that’s your sister and her husband. WTF are they at?

NO RIGHT

They have no right in bringing him anywhere near a family event like a funeral where the emotions are high already. 

I’m sure your sister knows why you left all those years ago, so why would she want someone like that around in the first place? And this, ‘I did it for the kids’ is pure bull.

Did she even ask the ‘kids’? By the way, these kids are in their 30s. Your sister and brother-in-law don’t seem to care as you say and that is very true. 

They think they know best and who are they to think like that. The conversation you’re going to have with them about boundaries will be in the same tone as the one with your ex.

You need to have a conversation with your ex, and the children should be there to back you up - they are grown adults, and you need their support. 

I’d lay it all out on the table: this is what life was like when we were together, and this is how we feel about things now when you’re invited to events. Your invitation didn’t come from us. You need help and you should go and get it. 

If he does want to be part of any big day down the road he needs to get to work. It will be up to you if you want to say something like that. You’ll know best yourself.

I’d explain to your sister what upset her actions have caused and that she does not know what’s best for your children and that if she pulls anything like that again, she and her husband and your ex can all go off on holiday together, because she’ll be sidelined just like him. 

I’d be very direct with them and wouldn’t soften the blow either. You need to make a statement here and she needs to hear it. 

How dare she bring a dark cloud over your happy family and all you have been through? She has really pissed me off with her actions and I don’t even know her. 

Why was she trying to control your situation, what was in it for her, only trying to make herself feel important.

Back to you, I’ve said it many times, you can only control your own actions and what you have now is such a great and lovely thing, a loving family. 

I do think when you deal with what we have spoken about today that dark cloud will break up and go away and the future will be brighter. 

Your son and daughter must be so proud of you and that great man that you now have in your life must adore the ground you walk on.

When you think of it, the two conversations you’re going to have will be tough but look at what you’ve come through. 

The day you left your ex was a big win for you, probably the biggest yet in your life, what’s ahead in the next few weeks will add to that. So, it’s win, win!