Ask Audrey: How can I train to be a sex expert?

I messaged him back anyway and we had a top secret meeting in Mallow because we’d still have a bit of a following in Cork city and I’d be trying to avoid them because there’s a thin line between a top fan and a stalker, do you know that kind of a way? 

Long story short, we’ve decided to do a short reunion tour, my Mam’s delighted. The only problem is the old doll. She doesn’t want Tanora back in her life, because, get this now lah, he makes an awful noise when he’s eating. 

Never mind that he drove home from Killarney once without her because she spent too long in a boutique, no boy, it’s the crisps she remembers. So like, it’s Tanora Timmy or the Old Doll. What do you think I should do?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

Sorry, but I find this very hard to believe. How could anyone spend more than five seconds in a boutique in Killarney?

Hello dear. My husband died recently and I found it very hard going for a few weeks, until my neighbour offered to put out my bins. A lot of our friends were really his friends as it turns out and more than one of them said goodbye to me at the funeral as if I was the one that died!

This caused me to reassess my life goals and I decided to get back out there and take on a part-time job. I contacted someone in the department of whatever they call it, but he just talked to me like I was a four-year-old with hearing problems, the cheek. 

How in all seriousness could someone tell a former lady captain in Douglas Golf Club that she would do well in McDonalds? Well, I was reading a sex advice column recently from someone who described herself as a sex expert. No one would have claimed that about themselves when I was growing up, unless they lived in Kinsale. 

But times change and I’m happy to change with them. So I’ve decided to re-train as a sex expert. I rang UCC but they thought it was a prank, and I’m afraid to put the word sex into a search term on the internet, because the last time I did that, I ended up having an affair with a Russian count. So, how can I train to be a sex expert?

— Cathy, Maryborough Hill

My cousin is a professional sex expert, I’d say she finds it hard work, her husband is like the back of a bus. I said, what do you need to become a certified Sex Expert? She said a printer.

We’re not exactly Mad for It on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Preferred Blur. Cliona_2Jags left a voice message, IN TEARS, because her Ken had registered for two tickets for Oasis in Croke Park. 

We thought it was because Oasis are as common as a weekend in Passage West, but it turns out he had booked a hotel room for the night in Dublin and now they have to take their Fiachra out of Pres, the price of Dublin! 

Anyway, the whole thing has caused a huge divide in Stunner HQ. Half of us are like, Oasis are just a pack of Manchester Norries and their mother is from Mayo, while the other half basically have bad-boy fantasies about Liam that you couldn’t print in the Examiner.

I’m weeping in my 17 grand kitchen even writing this, but there is talk of a Stunner Schism (you wouldn’t understand Schism being from Ballinlough, it means a split.) Is it worth falling out over a band?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

No, loyalty is very important (you wouldn’t understand that being from the Douglas Road.)

Myself and my girlfriend have been invited to my cousin’s wedding next month. One word. Notions. 

His mother is paying for it, typical like, she’s the biggest snob in Clonakilty. So, it’s three days yeah, we have been told we have to stay in the hotel for those nights and, get this, we all have to bring a white linen outfit for a Great Gatsby themed event on the final night. 

My girlfriend priced it there — three grand for the two of us, including a present of €400 euro cash. 

My mother says that’s what my cousin is expecting — can I just give her €200, given the expense she’s putting me to?

— Ray, Glasheen Road

The Present Discount is a winner. My niece decided it was naff to put on a champagne reception at her wedding last week, so I put €100 in a envelope, along with a note saying “You’ll find me at the bar necking the other 300 quid from a flute. Hugs, Aunt Auds.”