Ask Audrey: I can’t be doing the business with someone who reminds me of my Mam

Hello dear. I’ve been married to my Ken for 34 years and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hate his guts.
This isn’t new — I’ve hated his guts since he wrote a letter to my mother when we were dating, including a copy of his degree in medicine (honours), a letter he signed off with ‘she’ll struggle to get better than me Eileen, particularly with that nose.’ Ah Ken’s legendary sense of humour, amn’t I lucky to have him they tell me down in the golf club, “It must be a laugh a minute back at your house” they say, “and didn’t he pay to get your nose done for your 20th anniversary.” I stayed with him because of the kids Audrey and I was weak for him in the sack, but the kids are gone along with his ability to sustain a stiffy.
To make matters worse, he’s glued to the Olympics — there isn’t a word out of him all day, until the medal ceremonies, when he starts shouting “drug cheats, Martha, drug cheats the lot of them”. He even does it when Ireland wins, which is a disgrace because Irish athletes wouldn’t go near drugs. I’m out of patience with him Audrey — is shouting ‘drug cheats’ grounds for divorce?
— Martha, Model Farm Road

My ex is a solicitor, that’s why he’s my ex. I rang him there and said, what do you need to divorce someone? He said, money to give to your solicitor so he can buy a new yacht.

Bad cess to mid-life males by the Med. I’ve had a lot of bad luck going on foreign holidays with boyfriends because you know the way it is, one of ye likes it hotter than the other and I’m not talking about bedroom business (for once, says you.) No, what I mean is the way I like walking away in the midday sun, while the man I’m with is traipsing along like a dehydrated donkey because he prefers the weather in Ballybunion. I fixed it eventually by signing up to a dating app that finds a partner who likes the same weather as yourself, it’s called Like it Sweaty. Didn’t it match me with a lad from Southampton and we’re over here in Majorca, it would roast the clothes off you, but no bother because we both like it hot (in more ways than one.) The problem is he’s 54 years of age and insists on wearing a pair of O’Neill’s shorts, “To make you feel at home, Rosealeen from Ballydesmond”, as he puts it. He looks like a clown, I’m terrified I’ll bump into someone from back home. How can I tell him to act his age and wear a pair of cargo shorts?
— Rosealeen from Ballydesmond.

You could always threaten to go on a sex strike, but then you’re from North Cork so he’d probably be relieved.

Hi. I’ve just moved in with my girlfriend to a nice apartment in Douglas. The problem is she insists we should take turns cleaning the bathroom. I’m all for equality but this isn’t fair. She spends way more time in there than I do, I’m actually afraid to ask why she needs a 45-minute shower. I suggested we keep track of the time we spend in there and divvy up cleaning duties in proportion to that. You couldn’t publish her response to that, she likes lively language, her mother is from the northside. Do you think I have a case?
—Trev, Douglas.

There’s something wrong there alright Trev. I can’t believe your girlfriend only spends 45 minutes in the shower. That’s a bit grubby, even for Douglas.