Ask Audrey: Ireland’s Ancient East was invented to con people into visiting Carlow

I don’t know much about social media but 42 followers on Instagram seems on the low side and 19 of them want to show her photos of over-endowed men in her local area. (I took a look, they’re not a patch on Trevor.) 

My daughter insists she will eventually make a living from the influencing, but her only paying gig in three years was unboxing a packet of dog nappies for her Cockapoo, Cillian. 

She was paid €100 which covered half of Cillian’s grooming for a week. 

We love her to bits but she’s costing us a fortune which meant that we could only book the four-star package on a recent cruise and ended up sharing a dinner table with a couple from Passage West. Imagine. 

It’s not ideal for a couple with one of the nicest houses on Well Road, but we’re thinking of paying for our daughter to study primary school teaching. 

We’d miss her, but it won’t be too bad if she lets us keep Cillian. How can we persuade her to become a teacher?

— Clodagh, Well Road

My niece is a teacher, just about acceptable for Ballinlough. I said: "What’s the best thing about being a primary school teacher?"

She said: "July, Audrey, I’d have the fear from early August because the little shites are on their way back."

It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Find Whispering Angel Rosé a Bit Carrigaline. 

It’s that time of the year again when the best-looking women on the southside (that’s us) are driven mad trying to find a summer drink that isn’t popular with people who have a semi-d in a commuter town. 

We were all about the Aperol spritz a few years ago until Lucy Mac saw an ad for one driving into Glanmire. 

That was the end of Aperol spritz, and it landed with a six-week ban from The Stunners for taking her Volvo XC 90 to Glanmire. Jesus, what was she thinking?

It’s tricky picking the on-trend summer drink for 2024, particularly when we know the whole city is watching our every move, but that’s the price you pay for having impeccable taste. 

I’m thinking of suggesting Pimm’s and lemonade. We haven’t chosen it since 2016, a summer I can barely remember because we went stone mad on it altogether. 

I’m worried that the other Stunners will laugh at me though — I’m always vulnerable because I went to Christ the King, and Flora G is a total bee-atch when she senses weakness. 

So, should I go with the Pimm’s suggestion?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there, she sets the tone on the Blackrock Road. 

I said: "What would be a suitable summer drink for people on the Douglas Road?" She said: "A bag of cans."

Ciao. Myself and my friend moved to Cork for work from Napoli four months ago. 

I thought the English we learned at school would help us, but Cork people do not speak English, like. 

We have adapted quicker than a Kerry man leaving a paternity test and now we can make ourselves understood in most situations. 

The only problem is boys. Myself and my friend are used to boys at home making comments on the street, but it is not like this here. 

Instead boys are incredibly nice to us, as if they were girls, and this lasts for about two weeks as they get to know us. 

Then one or two of them will start to make fun of me in public. My Cork friends tell me this is ‘slagging’ and they are doing it because they fancy me, do you know that kind of a way? 

This is again the exact opposite of at home in Italy, where a boy is nice to you when he is trying to get in your pants. 

Oh my God, what is wrong with Irish guys? 

My Cork friends say I need to slag them back if I am interested. Is this correct?

— Gianna, St Luke’s

My Conor and I used to slag the living shite out of each other before we got married, it was all so good-natured. 

Now, it’s full of bitterness and regret. Don’t ever get married.

Hey, so like my wife and I are on honeymoon in Ireland right now. 

We don’t want to do the old American tourist route, too-ra-loo and Killarney and what have you. 

We love the idea of Ireland’s Ancient East, that looks like where the real old Ireland is to be found, without a shillelagh in site. Is that, like, true?

— Ed & Hannah (We are like one person), Denver and currently Cork

Ireland’s Ancient East was invented to con people into visiting Carlow on their holidays. 

My Conor took me there on a surprise weekend break for my 40th birthday, which came as one hell of a surprise to me I can tell you, and not just because I was 41. 

I’d love to warn you not to get married Ed & Hannah, but it seems like I am too late.