Ask Audrey: My kids are no Gordon Ramseys... except maybe for the cursing. It’s a tradition in my gaff that they cook me dinner. What will I do?"

Anyway in comes Gav, Wham Bam Thank You Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, he was sexy enough for a tree-hugger I’ll grant him that. I said to him over breakfast, when will I see you again and didn’t he say he wouldn’t be back because there isn’t anywhere in Ballydesmond to charge his electric car. He suggested I look for someone with a different car and told me there is a very good dating app called Do It With Diesel. 

I’m heartbroken Audrey, do you know how to get a decent electric charger in your town? (He can feck off he if he thinks he is going to use my electricity.) 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

There is a joke here about you telling Gav he can’t plug into your socket, but I’m not the person to make it.

C’mere, what’s the story with getting poisoned on Father’s Day? The big day is coming up this weekend and it’s a tradition in my gaff that my kids cook me dinner, which is grand if you like two burned bits of black pudding on a bed of partially frozen potato waffle. 

My kids are no Gordon Ramseys, except maybe for the cursing. I don’t want to seem cruel and just say, would ye ever get me a mug, but I don’t want a fit of the gawks either. What will I do? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I love waking up Mother’s Day morning. Mainly because I’m by myself in a room in the Hotel Europe, paid for by my kids. And when I say ‘by myself’, I mean with Paulo from our local pizza place. Bliss.

Myself and my husband live with his uncle, many is the night would head into morning and we’d still be up drinking tea, talking politics and putting the world to right.

We’re all on the one page when it comes to the rotten state of Ireland and all the foreigners bringing abortion into the country. 

Now, I know the way ye are up in yeer swish suburbs in Cork, the way ye love lecturing the plain people of Ireland and telling us we need to put up or shut up with the way the country is moving. Well, enough is enough. 

A man came to our door during the election campaign and after mumbling a few things about fixing potholes, didn’t he come straight out and say that things were better before when it was just Irish people here. 

He’s not a racist, none of us are, but he promised that if we voted him onto the council he’d set about sending loads of foreigners home from day one.

'Number one all the day boy', we said to him and didn’t he get elected there over during the week. God is good.

Until my uncle-in-law came home from town this morning, the rage on him, he counted the foreigners and there were still the same number there.

We’ve been conned, so we have. Is there any way we can take our vote back?

— I’m not giving my name and address, but I’ve included a photo so you can see who we are, the plain people of Ireland.

I’ve stared at your photo for a while and you’re right. The three of ye are very plain.

It’s getting Jetty on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Fly Out of Dublin To Avoid People Like You. 

Cork Airport is lovely if you’re really stuck but it tod-ally lacks Boasty Lounges, where you can show off your wealth by paying 100 quid to keep away from the riff-raff from places like Midleton. 

Dublin has a few of these and it’s hair-raising every year trying to figure out which one is in vogue. You don’t want to spend a fortune on nails, hair, Botox and what have you only to end up sharing a bowl of chilli-flavoured peanuts with Marty Morrissey. 

That’s what happened to Flossie Mac last year and we organised a petition asking her to move to Ballinlough. (It worked Audrey, keep an eye out for her in your ‘hood.) 

Anyway my Fifi is doing an eco project in school and according to her the planet is going to go on fire, which got me thinking – we should be flying out of Cork to protect the environment.

Can you check if there is a de rigueur first class lounge in Cork Airport? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I’ve been in Cork Airport during the summer peak — the only thing de rigueur is a perfume by that name in Duty Free.