Dear Dáithí: I'm worried my son is studying too much

He's skipping sports and it's like the Leaving Cert is the be all and end all. 

He's 18, I'll always be his dad, but he's an adult now and I can't really tell him what to do. 

I'm self-employed and he tells me I don't get it because I never had to worry about exams because I knew I was going to do a trade. 

I got cross with him last night and we had a bad row. 

What can I do? I'm also scared about what will happen if he doesn't get the massive marks he's going for.

This is not a strange one at all, actually this time of year it’s a very common dilemma in many houses around the country with the Leaving and Junior Certs starting in over a week. 

I do remember those days myself and I’d love to tell you I studied too much, but no I didn’t and it’s something I regret in one way. 

I should have worked harder, I could have made something of myself. I found it hard to stay still and sit down and read for a long period of time. 

On the plus side of all of this is that your son seems to have worked very hard — and really the hard work is done. 

It sounds like he will keep going like this until the exams are over and you should let him; this is his system and we don’t want to upset that, now he’s in a groove.

We can work on changing this when he gets into college; he might find a few more distractions there too.

You are a self-employed man and went for a trade and, as your son says, the points didn’t matter to you. And yes, he is right, but that doesn’t mean you don’t understand. You’re his dad and whether he’s doing exams or walking across a busy street you want everything to be OK.

You can do all the studying in the world and take every exam, however, being a good dad is a million times harder than all of that put together — but we won’t tell him that, not until after the Leaving Cert anyway.

He is 18 and an adult and you say you can’t tell him what to do. Of course you can. He can vote for whoever he wants next week, but he can’t vote you out of office.

You got cross with him, and I can see that it is frustrating for you, but he is frustrated too. Let’s take the heat out of it, you should acknowledge that he is under a lot of pressure and say you overreacted. You should also tell him you are very proud of him. This coming from dad is very powerful and also sets a good example of how adults should behave.

We must look at this through his eyes, this is the be all and end all of everything at the moment — the ‘at the moment’ part is very important. Come next September it will be a distant memory. 

It’s the same with any exams. I handed in a thesis last week with eight months’ work in it and I can’t even remember the title of it now. It’s the system we have in this country and unfortunately, it’s a points race causing this type of studying and pressure, I think people are realising this now and I think it will change in the coming years.

I wouldn’t worry about him notplaying sports for a while, they go back to it easily enough if they’re not away from it for too long. 

Maybe a quiet text message from the coach to say he is missed might be the push he needs when the exams are over.

He is also the eldest, so in one sense he is the trailblazer in the family so he might be feeling pressure when it comes to this. He doesn’t want to let anyone down, I’m sure he gets this pride from mom and dad. Pride is a good thing but needs to be managed.

It does scare you what will happen if he doesn’t get the points he needs. We shouldn’t approach this with him unless it does happen. 

We don’t want to set any self-doubt before the exams, and we’ll keep it positive all the time. You’ll have a good idea after every exam how he got on.

And be sure to stay in contact with his teachers after, they will hear things — and if there is an issue you will be prepared come August when the results come out. But don’t be focusing on that now. 

You need to stay positive yourself too or he will pick up on you being nervous and that might drive him mad.

So, what can you do for the next few weeks? A lot really. This coming weekend organise a family walk. I’d tell everyone today; this will give your son the chance to have stuff prepared and will allow for a schedule for his study to be in place. 

Get out of your location if you can and have a nice lunch out. Now everyone must do this, no excuses and even from you. This will be good for everyone, and I know he will enjoy it. 

That’s only one thing. If he likes watching matches bring him to see one. You’re his dad, you know best.

The last thing is... don’t be nervous for him, I know I’ve said it before but it’s important and just be there for him.