Dear Dáithí: My daughter's boyfriend is all muscles and teeth — and not good enough for her

We have always done everything we can for her, and I make no apologies for that. She turned out to be a beautiful, kind, smart, young lady and even though everyone says we did too much for her, she is in no way spoiled. 

She's just a lovely person who lights up the room when she walks in. The problem is, and I know I'm going to sound biased here, but she is going out with a guy that is just not good enough for her. 

She has never been in a long-term relationship; she would be shy, and not the type of person to go out with lots of different people (not that there's anything wrong with that - I had a lot of boyfriends before I settled down!) 

She brought this guy home recently and I'm gobsmacked. He is nothing like I would have imagined my daughter's type to be. 

He was all muscles and teeth and seems very full of himself. He doesn't have a job, he's 24, three years older than my daughter who is in college (studying physiotherapy), he seems to never have money, and says he is going back to college to do a Masters. He lives at home with his family and shares a room with his brother. 

I don't know what to say to my daughter without causing upset. 

I was only chatting to the 'Bean an Tí' the other day about our own lad. He's only 10, but give him another few years and he’ll be getting notions — which is a natural thing, I suppose. 

The start of your letter would be very similar to us, as our fella too is the light of our lives, and we too are doing all we can to make sure he has everything, and I wouldn’t apologise for that either. 

I think some people presume that all 'only' children are spoilt, and that is simply not true. I wouldn’t pay any heed to what other people think anyway, I’m gone way past that in life and you should be too. 

Now, the fact that your daughter has turned out to be beautiful, kind, and smart, has a lot to do with the people she had around her, and the environment she grew up in, so take a bow. People understand this sometimes.

So, she has a boyfriend, and you think he’s not good enough for her. When you say it out loud it does sound bad, I won’t lie to you, but I think you’ve said what every other mother and father want to say, and thanks for being honest. 

I can see other parents reading this and feeling relieved that they are not alone. Now this is all well and good, but you are being biased, again this is natural. It doesn’t make it right though. 

Your daughter has her own life to live, and she needs to make mistakes like we all did. I’m not saying this is a mistake, but you know what I mean. 

She has never been in a long-term relationship, so this is her first. This is a very exciting time for her, this is a big deal. 

Now, the reality is that this will probably go nowhere but she doesn’t know that. Looking back, that blind naivety was a great place to be. There wasn’t a sign of a mortgage payment or a car loan. 

What I’m saying is, let her explore and remember what you said at the start here, she is a smart lady. She won’t go far wrong.

You did have a few boyfriends before you settled down, so you know the hurt that can go with some of these relationships, and she’ll have to find this out for herself. 

Again, this is part of growing up, and yes, we all want to take the pain for our children if we can, but they’ll learn nothing from that.

Now on to the boyfriend. 

He is all muscles and teeth. Now, to be fair this is a sign of a man who takes care of himself, so we can’t knock him for that. 

You say he is full of himself. I’ll give him a pass here too. You only met him once, and he might have been nervous, also he was underwater in your eyes from the second he stood inside the door. 

Now, the problem I have with this guy is that he doesn’t have a job. Why not? He’s not in college at the moment, and he should be working. 

He lives at home with his parents, and nobody has told his guy to go out to work. He needs to start pulling his weight. 

We always had a very strong work ethic in our house growing up and my father, God rest him, had an issue with lazy people and so do I. 

Rant over, and anyway it's not me, my father, or you, going out with this guy, it's your daughter, and that’s the important thing.

Just back to your daughter. I think we have a great picture of her, and what she's like. It reminded me of a person I knew years ago who was very similar, and she went out with a person like this for a short while.

She said to me after that, she was pushing the boundaries a bit. Not so much with her parents, but with herself, and I wonder if the same thing is happening here? 

She went on to explain that she was tired of people seeing her in a certain way, and she wanted to change that.

So, the question is what do you do? 

First thing, we need to take a step back from the fire and take the temperature out of this situation. 

The reality here and what's going on in your mind are different. You need to sit down, and ask more about her boyfriend, have him over again without these biased glasses on. 

He could be a really nice guy. He might treat your daughter in the way she deserves to be treated, we just don’t know what they are like together. 

I don’t want to panic you or upset you here, but because this is her first real relationship, you should talk to her about contraception.

She might be well ahead of you here, but it's no harm to say it. Even though you might not want to be even thinking like this, it will ease your mind in the long run.

With all this said, I’ll say it again, and it's been mentioned twice already, your daughter is a beautiful, smart, young lady, and has been brought up by two brilliant parents — so don’t be too worried.