How to begin dating again after being a solo parent for a long time
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For so long now I have been single and just keeping my head above water in terms of solo-parenting two small kids and one (now) adult child. (Yes, you still need to parent even when your child is an adult).
But, dating is something I have thought about recently. I would love to meet someone who compliments me, is fun and doesn’t need mothering or constant encouragement to do simple daily things.
I have definitely been left with trust and relationship scars and a fear of making bad choices again.
Some of my friends find it easy to jump in and out of relationships, getting exactly what they need and then moving on.
For me, it’s about having an instant connection which may develop into something worth investing in.
I have tried Tinder and online subscription sites and I am not the type who will go on a blind date or meet someone in a bar with a flower in my hair, for identifiable purposes.
So, where and how do I begin my quest, and how have other professional solo women managed to date — or go on them at all?
Genevieve Gresset is based in the UK and is a leading Relationship and Matchmaker Coach, Media Presenter and host of Podcast, Fizz & Tell.
Genevieve says, “I have so many conversations with many women starting over and one of the biggest challenges for single mothers is, the big question of when do I find time for me and how do I introduce someone else. The biggest thing I say is take this in baby steps and think about this:
, if trust is a big thing or comparing to others or even doing the see-saw effect and wanting someone on the opposite end of what you had in your previous relationship. It is important to invest time, energy and sometimes money in working with the right person to set you up to succeed.
All too often when we have fear, anxiety or an unrealistic or unhealthy set of expectations we set ourselves and anyone who crosses our path up to fail. Instant connections, instant fireworks are lust-led and don’t last. Know your values and only focus on meeting someone with aligned values, the rest isn’t as important.
and make quality time to invest in the process as it is time-consuming and can feel like another job or at worse, overwhelming.
You will need to be organised as a mum and create that space for you. Having time to work on your dating wardrobe, and your dating look so you feel womanly and sexy is key.
Update your underwear, even if no one is going to see It for a while it makes you feel good, grown up, sexy and puts you in the right frame of mind for flirting and feeling good about you.
- are you going to use apps, a matchmaker, go to dating/singles events, ask family and friends to introduce you to people they know? So, you really need to shift gears physically from mum or businesswoman to being in single ready-for-love mode.”
Margaret Dineen is a Food Industry Supply Chain Solutions Provider and also a mother to two children and reflects on her short-lived marriage.
She shares, “On reflection, I had nothing to offer as I was raising my children and working full-time at a senior level. I only dated a little in college, with my head focused on education. Plus, my parents' passing in my early twenties made me seek security in a marriage that was never meant to be. Heartbroken, loneliness and a lack of self-confidence led me to dating websites where I found each man more damaged than I ever was.
"To many, I was a mother, a counsellor and a fling. Looking back I question what I was seeking at that time when I really didn't want to be in any of those relationships. The truth was I did not want to sit with myself and feel and deal with the pain. I wanted somebody else so I could hide from my feelings. Now, I realise those casual relationships made my life lonelier with unmet expectations.
"One day, I said 'enough '- no more apps, no more dating. I began setting healthy boundaries in my life and protecting my heart and mind.
“Five years later, I find myself extremely independent, financially secure and quite content. I ask myself why I would want to open my heart again to someone. The answer is that deep within, I am a romantic but experience and a lot of personal work have ensured I remove the rose-tinted spectacles. My late mam always said, 'What's for you, won't pass you.'
"No more disaster dates, Tinder or Bumble. Someday, I hope for a meeting of minds, who knows, he may be around the next corner.”
Alana Kirk is a Midlife Coach, author and motivational speaker. Alana is also a solo mother to three girls.
She says, “When my marriage ended and I felt ready to date again, the biggest lesson for me was realising it wasn't just about who I wanted, but about what I wanted. Focusing on 'the who' is obviously important and a great bit of advice I use is to decide your three non-negotiables, and then let everything else go. So rather than a long list of very specific criteria that no one is likely to match, you decide three umbrella attributes and then not focus on specifics. So for me, that might be chemistry, financial stability and an intellectual connection, so I have to let socks and sandals go!
“But really deciding what you want is really important or we can be trying to connect with the wrong people. So initially, as I single-parented three small children, I quickly realised that I had neither the time or the emotional bandwidth to get into a serious, full-time relationship and needed something more casual. I wasted a lot of time trying to fit what I could offer with someone else's needs. Now that my kids are older and I am in a different headspace, I have more time and energy to devote to a relationship. So being clear what you want and communicating that, really helps. It's not an easy process by any means, but nor should it be. The person you choose to spend time with is going to have a significant impact on the quality of your life, so if that means putting the effort in for the best reward so be it.
“As The Midlife Coach, I often work with people who are starting to date again after perhaps decades. I always help them really think through the who and the what, but also remember that this shouldn't feel like torture and to bring a bit of spark to the process. You never know what it will ignite.”
So, perhaps it's about waiting until the time is right but also about thinking it through properly. I have never gone through a matchmaker so maybe it’s time to try something new. Genevieve will be receiving an email from me and I will leave it in her matchmaking hands.
Watch this space.