Ask Rosealeen: Simon has stepped down - how can I rub shoulders with the great and good now?

So she's covered up to her neck in Factor 50 and I am here in Ballydesmond bate into the Microsoft Word and up to 90 as a new, fully-fledged Agony Aunt, I had an aunt who was in agony before, but that was because I had given her a good kick up the arse when she wouldn't play with me!

What will I do now that my claim to fame is stepping down? Well, this week we changed the name of the WhatsApp Group to 'BYE BYE SI'. 

News that Simon Coveney or Sico as I call him was stepping down, rocked us to the core of our being! Of course, my claim to fame was that we had a little dalliance at a disco in Rocco when I was 16. 

Now the girls in the group are threatening to turn on me because I am no longer well-connected. I have reached out to Simon for a voice note to try and pacify the girls, but to no avail. He obviously still holds a candle for me and doesn't want to ignite any past emotions,

What can I do Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, to ensure that the girls still think I am rubbing shoulders with the great and the good? I don't want to miss out on any Afternoon Teas in the Maryborough.

- Jenni, Douglas Road 

The best thing that you could do now is buy a ferociously large tube of Deep Heat. And the next time you are in the Maryborough if you spot any local celebs go over and rub your shoulder up agin' them. The smell off the deep heat will let the girls know that you are indeed still rubbing shoulders with the very best. 

Now the smell might put ye off your tiny sandwiches. but its a small price to pay if you ask me. I wouldn't mind having a dalliance with one of the Simons myself - my only claim to fame is that I once licked the face of a Healy Rae!

C'mere, the old doll is watching some programme now that she calls MAFS. 

I taught it was called MILFs and I said I'd be well on for watching that with her. I was delighted like. 

Next thing there's a load of wans getting married to fellas with man buns and they haven't even so much as shifted them. Turns out it was called Married at First Sight. 

Anyway, the old doll turns over to me in the middle of it the other night and says if I had to marry you based on first sight I'd run a mile. 

I said to her that I'd marry her no bother but if I met her ould lade the day of the wedding I wouldn't have hung around. 

Now she's pure fuming with me, is there anyway I can make a first impression again even though she's seen me about 400 times at this stage?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool 

The best thing you can do now is take the remote off of her and turn off that telly. Take her in your arms and carry her up the stairs and throw her into the bed and say you'll be back in a minute. 

Then if I were you I'd get some kind of costume like Tom Cruise in Top Gun or a pair of the shorts that your man Paul Mescal wears and I'd burst back in the door and introduce yourself a good few times to her if you get my meaning. 

She won't be long forgetting about MAFS and you won't be long forgetting about Milfs!

My friend has taken to giving advice in a newspaper no less and the whole parish are absolutely mortified by her. 

This is a girl who was found upside down in a bush on the night of her debs. She once got a D in pass English because she couldn't tell the difference between her there, theirs and they'res and now here she is with a column no less. 

How do I tell her she is making an absolute gowlbag of herself and the whole of Ballydesmond is mortified by her? 

-  Berna, Ballydesmond.

Well Berna if you don't mind me saying you sound like a right sniping jealous ould bag. I can tell by the tone of your letter that you haven't had a good ride in about 40 years and really it would be more in your line to read an ould book or two yourself and not to be acting the jealous gom around the place. 

If I was upended in a ditch on the night of my debs it was only because I was dragging you out of it after you falling down a hole trying to climb over the ditch to have a wee. 

So go off now and read my column in the paper and have your ould Tippex on standby in case I misspell something. Sure you used always be sniffing Tippex down the back of the class and you have all the signs of it.