Ask Audrey: Are the Douglas Road Stunners on the verge of a split?

Unfortunately, my wife insisted we let our little Leo play soccer, that’s what you get when you marry someone who went to Christ the King. 

Long story short, doesn’t he follow Liverpool now, and didn’t he beg for me to bring him over to see a game? 

I did a bit of research, and Liverpool seems like the northside, except they are all wearing Liverpool tracksuits, rather than just most of them. 

I’d love to wear the Barbour jacket because it’s virtually stab-proof, but my wife told me to lighten up and wear a Liverpool jersey, as if I could relax in soccer gear. 

I asked Leo if he’d forget about the whole thing for 500 quid, but he wants 1500 quid and a PlayStation 5. 

I’m willing to pay up but my wife says she’ll actually leave me if I give in to him. Do you know a good divorce lawyer? 

— Dr Maurice, Bandon.

I don’t. If I knew a good divorce lawyer, I’d be a single woman again.

We’re a retired couple from Douglas, we were actually described as ‘lovely people’ in the local newsletter and they don’t say that about everyone. 

Myself and Bob moved into an apartment block last year, the house was empty and our children never came to visit, thank God. 

We love living the apartment life, our friends Eddie and Deirdre moved in next door, it’s like being young again. Except this time there seems to be a lot of porn. 

Eddie and Deirdre have always been a bit racy (she’s from Bandon) and it’s the same thing every night.

We can hear them next door listening to the nine o’clock news, then the weather and next thing we know, there’s moaning and groaning coming from their telly and it isn’t Mary Lou complaining about the Government I can tell you. 

My husband Bob ignores it — he’ll tell you that his hearing isn’t the best but he’s made it quite clear down the years that he prefers Grand Prix to sex. 

I’m intrigued though. Are Eddie and Deirdre actually doing it when the porn comes on, or is just background noise when they’re doing New York Times puzzles on their phones? (They’re quite boring, the porn is a surprise.) 

I’m driven mad not knowing – do you think I should ask Deirdre next time she pops in for a bottle of organic Pinot Grigio?

— Irene, Douglas.

Leave her alone. The way things have been in Ireland recently, you’d need something to cheer you up after the weather forecast.

C’mere, what’s the story with supporting the Cork footballers when you’re a Norrie? 

I’m definitely going to one Cork match this weekend and I can’t decide between going to Killarney to watch the footballers or Waterford for the hurling. 

As a northsider I feel like I should be going to watch the hurling, because football is for snobs from Nemo and gomies from West Cork who can pick their nose with their toes. 

But Waterford is depressing, do you know that kind of way. The bit down into Dungarvan is nice, but the rest of the trip would put you to sleep. 

And their accent do be creepy. Whereas Killarney is the berries. Gorgeous drive down and they do have the bypass so you don’t have the huge traffic jam in Macroom trying to avoid making eye contact with the locals. 

The old doll is mad to stay the night and make a weekend out of it, so I am leaning towards the football match now I have to say. 

I asked Budgie if he wanted to bring his old doll for a foursome, but not in a dirty way now before you start sniggering. 

Do you know what he said? He said, “Dowcha Donie, you’re a disgrace to the Norrie Nation”. So, do you know, what’s the story with a Norrie at the football? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

This is one for my GAA mad nephew, No Fault Froggy Boy. I rang him there and said, do ye get many northsiders at the football?

He said, we don’t get many anybody at the football — it’s just me and a family from Drimoleague.

It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Are Thinking About a Move to Kinsale. 

Clodagh_LoadsAMoney started the rot last week with a photo of their new gaff in Kinsale, followed by an article about violence in the city. 

I looked online there and our Douglas Road mansion would only give us enough money to buy a four-bed detached in an estate in Kinsale, no sea view, imagine. 

This is making me feel incredibly inadequate. Is this the end for the Douglas Road? 

— Jenni, Kinsale (hopefully.)

It is thank God, I’ll be glad when ye’re all gone. Something you should know about house prices in Kinsale – there is a surcharge for good-looking neighbours. 

Google ‘favourite weekend hobbies in Kinsale’ if you still don’t know what I’m on about.