Ask Audrey: My mother is refusing to talk to me because I brought her to Passage West for lunch

I’m a widow on the Model Farm Road. I have three wonderful children, I’d like to be able to say, but I can’t because they are a parcel of sh1ts Audrey. They’re into competitive caring, which basically involves calling for me on a Saturday morning and then pushing me around Wilton Shopping Centre in a wheel-chair, even though I’m well able to get around using my walker. They loving taking photos of me ‘living me best life’ and sending them to their siblings, but I look as sour as the man from Macroom because I’m being force-fed a toasted sandwich and told to hurry on because they have to go and pick up little Cian from rugby. My daughter made a video of me one day saying “this is total shite”, didn’t she post it on TikTok and it went viral. She wanted to make a follow up video now of me saying “Get up the yard ye shower of shites”, she reckons it could break big in China. Feck that , I set up my own TikTok account and posted the video, why should she get all the love? Long story short, I’m a global sensation and my own daughter wants to sue me for stealing her line. Should I cut off all contact?
- Dolores, Model Farm Road

Old people are very ungrateful. My mother is refusing to talk to me because I brought her to Passage West for lunch.

It’s getting old skool on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Can Wear Vintage Clothes Without Looking Poor. Flora_LoadsMore posted a photo of herself in a vintage shop in town the other day rocking a second hand sheepskin coat, I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it made her look a bit dumpy. But this started a flurry of ‘look-at-me’ shots from the Stunners in vintage shops across town (southside) . We don’t like giving money to deserving causes, because they’d only spend it on drink, but we’re absolute bee-atches when it comes to buying a whole boho look for 20 quid in a charity shop. Fifi_YaLoveMe has gone all in and is hosting a vintage fashion show in her gaff, we’re the models, all proceeds going towards our Christmas trip to New York #GivingBack. I’m going to Dublin to make sure I don’t bomb on catwalk, where is good over there to get some ‘Oh My God Jenni!’ previously-loved clobber?
- Jenni, Douglas Road

Are you sure you want to wear something that belonged to a Dub? I bought a second hand hat on Georges Street there once and ended up with an over-inflated view of my own importance. #Contagious

Hey, my wife and I have decided to leave the rat-race here in Dublin and move off-grid in the buzziest part of county Cork. We don’t want a West Cork hotspot (even though we could totally afford one) because we’d just meet all these money-mad Dubs down on holidays in their entry level Range Rovers, trying to order foraged mushroom quiche for their three-year-old. #Ballydehob . We love the advice you give in your little paper, it’s so raw. So where is the real county Cork, please don’t say Dunmanway, LOL?!! Yvonne, Monkstown, Dublin, (we have a sea view).

Don’t worry, Dunmanway is more an experiment gone horribly wrong than a part of Cork. I’d recommend you move to Monkstown in Cork. That has a sea view as well, although that includes a bit of Cobh so make sure you wear protective goggles. And you won’t have to change the name of the town where you live, which is handy because Dublin people are thick as the bus to Killarney. Hope that’s raw enough for you.