Ask Audrey: Cillian Murphy is great, but he's from Ballintemple - the servants’ entrance to the Blackrock Road

And then I wake up this morning to hear there is a move to change the name of the Blackrock Road to Rue du Cillian Murphy. 

This seems like some scheme cooked up by a mediocrity from Bishopstown, that crowd never miss a chance to drag people down to their own level. 

Cillian is great, so so proud of him, but he is from Ballintemple, which is basically the servants’ entrance to the Blackrock Road. 

If they want to rename it to Cilliantemple, off with them, but they’re picking a fight with the wrong people trying to wipe the name off our beloved road. 

It’s not just the awful American tourists who will come down here to take a selfie, it’s the thought of my brother up in Montenotte sniggering his bloated nose off because I live in a road named after an actor. 

So listen, can you tell City Hall, hands off the Blackrock Road?

— Marcia, Blackrock Road.

I rang City Hall there and said, are there plans to name the Blackrock Road after Cillian Murphy. The guy said, “Nah girl, that wouldn’t upset them enough. We’re going to call it Boulevard du Roy Keane.” Look, Marcia, at least now you know.

It’s getting ‘Oh Shite’ on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Have Been Doctoring Family Photos for Years. 

The deal has always been you never point it out because of the morto, but all bets are off after Kate Middleton posted the doctored photo of herself and the kids during the week. (What was he doing marrying someone named after Midleton?) 

So now every photo we put up on Insta is an invitation to try and spot where we might have tampered with reality. 

Milli_OK posted a photo of herself in the royal box in Cheltenham yesterday. It was clearly taken in Mallow racecourse a few years ago and she only made things worse by pasting in a photo of the dead Queen. Sloppy Milli, sloppy. 

We shared the photo EVERYWHERE and Milli’s portrait was taken down from The Wall of Legends in our clubhouse (a new café called Effortlessly Suave.) 

It was a great laugh – you can’t beat a pile on – but now we all have the Heeby Jeebs about doctoring our photos. 

I’m going away next week, we can only afford Lanzarote because things are quiet in my Ken’s Covid Souvenir business. 

Is there any way I can doctor the photos to make it look like we’re in the Seychelles? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin, she’s an expert at the old deception. I said, what would do you in Lanzarote? She said, take photos of people I know and ruin them. Sly.

I’m in the top old person’s home in Cork, no less than you’d expect from a woman who won ‘Model Farm Road’s Answer to Grace Kelly’ four years in a row. 

That was a while back now Audrey, but I can still turn eyes these days, even if it’s a lazy eye more often than not. 

Anyway, there’s a widower after joining us recently, he was a doctor and it shows, gorgeous man, I’m weak for him. 

Now, I’d normally get my pick of the fresh meat in here because I’m the youngest and I don’t need a nap in the afternoon. 

I called over to his room yesterday afternoon, Estee Lauder-ed to high heaven, and wasn’t he sitting inside there doing Wordle with Betty, done up like she was going to a wedding. She even had a fascinator on. 

They’re an item now apparently, Betty has come off Tinder and everything, about time says you and her 87.

This is a threat to my position in here. It’s bad enough being elbowed aside by a civilised woman, but Betty is from just outside Mallow. 

How can I retain top spot?

— Eilish, Model Farm Road

My ex left me for a woman in Charleville. I marched up to her at work. She said, “Don’t hit me” and I said, “I’m not going to lay a hand on you, dog-face, you never know what you’d catch off someone from north Cork.”

C’mere, what’s the story with drinking on a Bank Holiday weekend? I’ve been off the gargle for two weeks in preparation for Paddy’s Day drinking. 

Yesterday, didn’t the old doll turn around and say, “We’re not getting baloobas drunk Paddy’s Day, Dowcha Donie, that’s fierce common.” 

She read on Facebook that getting drunk on the day before a work day is common and we’re better than that. News to me. So what’s the story about boozing on a Bank Holiday?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I’d like to tell you to drink your throat off Dowcha Donie, but I’m on my last chance with the Please Drink Responsibly crowd.

So take it easy this weekend and don’t turn up to work on Tuesday with a hangover, like a good man. #Wink #Wink.