Dear Dáithí: My husband has been secretly paying his brother's bills and loan — I am furious

He never married, so he would be down at our place every day of the week — and of course he'd never miss a dinner. My husband and himself (I'll call him Alec) do a lot of things together, they'd be close. My husband works day and night. I couldn't say the same for the brother. Our children are all reared and gone, but I will say Alec was always a great uncle to them all. He can't keep money in his pocket though. My husband is trying to wind down and is close to retiring. But I found out recently that my husband has been paying off a loan Alec took out in 2022. I am furious: there's plenty I could be doing with extra money.

How can I work it out, so we get the money back without a falling out?

I’ve read your letter a few times now and it's very straightforward, you are stuck right in the middle here and we need to move carefully going forward. Let’s be very straight though, you are 100% right to ask about this and you should have been in the know from the start as your husband should have discussed this with you... because not alone is this his money, it's also yours!

Now I’ve often given a few bob to friends and family members and never said it to Rita for the simple reason that there was an understanding that I’d get the money back and it was a one-time thing. We’ve all been there and no need for terms and conditions etc, but this is more than just a few bob.

You sure do paint a picture of your brother-in-law, a guy who thinks he’s the main man, always having other people including you as the butt of his jokes, always there for dinner yet he comes with one hand as long as the other.

Just like you are, and as they say in Cork, I’m ‘allergic’ to these people. These people suck up all the energy from a room; we all know at least one person like this. I call them potholes — to be avoided at all cost!

On the other side of this, you say he was always a good uncle which is good to hear but that’s followed by money burning a hole in his pocket, which brings us only the real issue here.

This man is not married and doesn’t have children and even though he doesn’t have the same work ethic as your husband technically he shouldn’t have money worries to the extent that his brother has to pay off his loans. This would lead me to think that there is another issue. This is why we must be very careful, he might be in trouble and, if he is, this might be the reason for all the secrecy around this.

Your husband too is no fool and would hardly give away his hard-earned money very easily, especially when your husband has only a little time left working, I know anyone who is close to retiring doesn’t want anything coming in the way.

Now, you are right to be furious, but you have to cool down a bit and I’m well aware that when people are furious the last time they want to hear is to cool down, but you must. One thing you didn’t mention in your letter is how you found out about this. Did someone tell you? Did you go snooping and find something? What I’m trying to do here is not start another fire that will need to be put out because he probably will go on the defensive. His back will be against the wall because he should have told you about this. No matter how you found out you are still in the right to ask him about this, but your approach will be the key.

It needs to be a one-on-one over a cup of tea or coffee — no booze. You need to be straight with him that you know about this and ask what the story is. I would start by asking if Alec is ok and if he is in trouble. Then you need to find out what happened and how it came to the point that he is paying off the loan. Then ask him why he didn’t come to you about it. I’d imagine that the brother asked him not to, but that is still no reason not to say it to you.

Again, even though you are furious you still need to remain composed here and in charge of your emotions — flying off the handle here won’t get you any answers and might drive a wedge between you and your husband and we don’t want that.

To me, this money needs to be paid back at some stage. Instead of demanding that this money be paid back, ask your husband if there is a payment plan or a time-scale in place for the money to be returned. I’d imagine there isn’t but ask and it will sow the seed in his head.

From here on your husband knows you know, and things will change. Up until now he was working away, and nobody knew, and it wasn’t a problem, now that has changed, and he’ll have to start working on getting it back.

What I like about this approach is you’re not mentioning that this is half of your money, because you don’t have to mention it — he knows, you are not demanding anything, and you are in control of the whole situation which was the real question you asked at the end of your letter. 'How can I work it out, so we get the money back without a falling out?' I think this is a good starting place.