Ask Audrey: Most people from Wilton will tell you they come from the Model Farm Road
People Ask Cork Sorting Ages Out Been Audrey For Has
C’mere, how can you tell if a bot is from Cork? I went on the RTÉ website there last night to complain that there ’s nothing good on telly any more, have you noticed that yourself Audrey? I’m not sure if RTÉ was the right place but you have to start somewhere. Anyway this chat-box pops up on screen, Shirley was her name, and she was like 'how can I help?'
And I said: "There’s nothing on the telly."
Aand she was like: "Who are ya telling boy, I do be worn out from waiting for every year."
I said: "Hang on Shirley, are you from Cork?"
And she says: "Born and bred, boy."
And I said: "What part of Cork?"
And she said: "I’ll give you three guesses love."
I thought to myself: "This is getting well saucy now, like." So I fired off my three guesses — Wilton , Farranree, Mayfield.
She goes: "No, Model Farm Road."
And I’m going: "No way girl , you do n’t talk posh enough."
Next thing, a new chat-box opens up, Clara, saying Shirley had to go on her break... and this one Clara was from Naas so I didn’t bother talking to her. I told my man Budgie and he was like: "You’re some gowl boy, that was a chat-bot, she was trying to pretend to come from Cork but you have to live here to know the place."
I was devastated because to be honest I was falling in love with Shirley. Is she really a bot?
— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool
Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Bad cess to my mother’s perfect eyesight and the woman 82. We keep telling her that she’s too old to drive and she keeps going into the doctor and coming out with a letter saying, “You have incredible eyesight, keep her lit Maura.”
I’m not paraphrasing, the doctor is a ferocious culchie.
She makes a point of driv ing to the doctor’s surgery, even though it’s next door, the bitch, she has us driven bananas . The woman should have been off the road years ago. She made the news on RTÉ last month when she got stuck for two days going around the Kinsale Road Roundabout. They had cars driving next to her passing food in the window — didn’t she send the beef back because it was a bit tough.
I’m down to my last fingernail worrying about the woman but the doctor said there is nothing she can do, the eyes don’t lie lads. Anyway, didn’t Berna do a bit of digging and found out something shocking about said doctor, and I’m not talking about her mother being from Scartaglin here like.
I’m going to threaten to reveal this secret if she doesn’t put my mother off the road. Is that blackmail now tell me?
—Rosealeen, Ballydesmond
Hi, I’m really worried about my daughter. She’s 12 now and most of the girls in her class have smartphones. I asked her if she’d like one and she said no, she prefers reading books.
Jesus Christ like, what kind of 12-year-old doesn’t want a smartphone? We’ve offered her a top-of-the-range iPhone and a weekend in New York, but she’s adamant that she wants to stay offline for a while longer , the little weirdo. Sorry now, my husband and I put our lives on hold for the past 12 years rearing her, and now it’s time for technology and her friends to take over. I told her she’d end up isolated but didn’t the little wagon start a book club in her class with the other anti-phoners and they’re over here every afternoon reading Percy Jackson novels, they’re starting to freak me out at this stage. I’m thinking of buying them all a smartphone in the hope they get addicted. Do you think their parents will mind?
—Honor, Mallow.
Hello. I’d like to register my disgust that the Frank and Walters are going to be the marshals at the St Patrick’s Day parade in Cork city. It’s making a mockery of the holy saint, the city, and the country on this most important day. Surely The Sultans of Ping would be a better option. First of all, they’re not all from the Bishopstown, unlike the Franks as we must call them. And even a 74-year-old pensioner like myself can tell you that ' Where’s Me Jumper?' is a better song than ' After All'. Can you ring them inside in City Hall and see if they make the change?
— Eileen, Rochestown Road
