Ask Audrey: 'I always thought Mallow was just a failed sugar town with a race course'

C’mere, what’s the story with my patriotic duty? I was on the train down from Dublin last night, tears of relief in my eyes to be getting away from that dump, capital city my arse, total joke. I was sitting next to this posh one, you could tell the notions from the way she spoke to her daughter on the phone, announcing to the whole carriage that she wanted to be picked up “in the Merc” in Kent Station, Cork. I knew she was allergic to me in my Cork goalie jersey, so I do what I always do in this situation, I started talking to her. Do you know, she was nice really if you filtered out the way she spoke through her nose, and we started chatting about the referendum. Neither of us had a clue what the referendum was about, but she couldn’t admit that because she went to college. So didn’t she turn on me then, saying you should always vote in a referendum, it’s your patriotic duty, men died, 1916, blaah dee blaaah. I got her to give me a lift home in the Merc, rushed inside and when I looked up the referendum it said that instead of the family, the building block for Irish society is anyone in a ‘durable relationship’. Like, what does that mean? — Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang my barrister friend there and said, what does the term ‘durable relationship’ mean. He said Audrey, it means I’ll be able to buy a helicopter with all the money I’ll get arguing about it in the Four Courts.

I’m not sure if you’re heard of man-splaining Audrey, it’s where a man over explains something to a woman because he thinks she’s a bit dense, I hope that makes it clear, if not get back to me and I can put together a couple of slides in a Powerpoint presentation. Anyway, I’m a retired widower here in Mallow and I joined a local choir for companionship and you never know, maybe even romance. I’ve fallen under the wing of The Sisters of Mercy, three Alpha females who seem to run the choir and I often go out for a brandy and Coke with them after choir practice on a Thursday night. They’re great fun the three of them, but anytime I try and share some nuggets on the history of Mallow, they’re shutting me down and calling me a man-splainer. They seem to think it’s some kind of magic word that can ward off all knowledge. How can I teach them otherwise? — Gerard, Mallow.

M y cousin is a relationship expert. I told her your story and she said, that’s unbelievable - I never knew Mallow ha d a history, I always thought it was just a failed sugar town with a race-course.

I started seeing this guy from Sligo last month, I slept with him on the first date because it’s always a good idea to get a feel for the goods, says you. We were very straight forward that first night, five minutes of touchy-feely and then down to the main event. I’d give it a 6 out of 10, not bad for the first time out. But we haven’t moved on a bit. I wouldn’t mind a bit of filthy WhatsApp, but he’s terrified we’ll get caught. It’s all very vanilla really when I wouldn’t mine a bit of chilli oil poured over my love-making. (Literally.) How can I broach the subject with him? —  Evelyn, Bandon.

I love a bit of chilli oil myself. On my food. (What are you thinking?) Anyway, here’s what you do with Mr Straight Sex Nothing Fancy. Send him a message, saying you need him to call over immediately, because you’ve been a very, very naughty girl. When he gets there, tell him that you need to be punished. He’ll say, for what? You say, for dating someone from a dump like Sligo. (Seriously, what are you thinking?)