Ask Audrey: Watching people with a smaller house on Home of the Year is even better than sex

It doesn’t look good for you. It might help if you were related to a member of the Irish elite, but that’s unlikely because you only live on the northside.

It’s getting divorcey on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Too Posh to Put our Villas on Home of the Year. The old WhatsApp was ON FIRE during the first episode there during the week, watching people with a smaller house than yourself is even better than sex. (I’ve no complaints about My Ken, I want to be clear about that, he’s gone fierce touchy since he started going bald up top.) There aren’t enough emojis in the world to express how appalled we were at some of the design choices people made in their little houses, they must have done it themselves to save money. And then they invited the cameras in for a look , it’s hard to think of a more entertaining show. Anyway, in the middle of all the Horrified and Gasp emojis the other night, didn’t Flora_More_Than_You announce that her Ken informed her they are putting their house on Home of the Year next time, he’s told his mother and there’s no turning back. (The mother is from Clon, so she thinks it’s a great idea.) That opened the flood gates and now we’re all going to enter our places next year, they’ll have to change the name to Douglas Road Home of the Year. Do you know a good cheap interior designer? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

My niece is an interior decorator, she spends a lot of time talking about cushions. I said, how much would you charge a woman on the Douglas Road? She said, double my normal price out of pure spite.

Guten Tag. I have been living in Cork for two years now, working in a big tech company in Ballincollig. Cork people are always telling me they are the top dogs in everything and I believed them because I lived in Clare for six months and it was diabolical. Everywhere is top dog compared to Ennis I think, yes?  Anyway, I went to the Gaelic football match Cork vs Cavan with my Cork friend Paul, he was there with his friends, they all were making jokes about SuperValu, I didn’t get it. Cork lost the match even though the other team had very funny accents, you could hear them because there were hardly any people there. On the way out, Chris and his friends started making jokes about other places and I said, but Cork is bad at everything now – football, hurling, soccer, it is not a winner at these sports even though it is the biggest county. They rounded on me and made jokes about Hitler but I am right, yes? Cork is for losers, baby. Do you know how to make Cork people accept that they are no longer top dog county? 

— Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

T here’s no point. Cillian Murphy is going to win an Oscar and we’ll be #UNBEARABLE.

Hi. I still hang around with a lot of my gang in college, including my ex-girlfriend. I was at a reunion there last week and she told us about her new boyfriend and how she is having the best sex of her life. Sorry now, I might have been new to the game back in college but I still knew my way around a woman’s body. Look, I’ve never had any complaints and i t’s embarrassing for me to hear about my so-called lack of prowess in front of all my friends, we’re all very successful. How can I ask her to stop boasting about her sex life? 

— Conor, Ballintemple, PhD (Hons) in Science.

You don’t mention if she is from Kinsale. Because there is no point asking a Kinsale person to stop boasting about their sex life. My friend is from down there (she always sniggers when I say ‘down there’, filthy mind.) I said to her once, how many times a day do you boast about your sex life? She said, it depends – if I’m at an orgy, I don’t have as much time for talk, it’s action all the way babes.