Ask Audrey: It must be exhausting being judgmental in Whites Cross – there's so much to judge

So we’re all taking Irish lessons now and we’ve changed the name of the group to Bóthar Dhúglais B anríona Áilleachta, but that mightn’t be enough and I don’t think any of us would thrive in jail except Orla maybe, she’s originally from Bandon. 

My worry is that we don’t know anything about N orthern Ireland, none of us have been there before , that’s for busloads of Togher people buying crates of cheap Merlot in Newry. 

So na Ban r íona Áilleachta are organising a trip to Belfast, hands across the border kind of stuff to check if the local bee-atches are as good looking as us. 

We can’t agree on the best way to go. I’m all for going by train, we should be nicely goosed up on prosecco by the time we pass Limerick Junction. 

Do you think that’s appropriate for cailíní like ourselves? 

— An Jenni, Bóthar Dhúglais

It will work as long as you don’t get the Luas to connect to the Belfast train in Dublin. 

I’m not sure if you’ve been on that Luas line recently, but some of the passengers can be triggered by the Cork accent, particularly the moany nasal one ye prefer on Bóthar Dhúglais. (Tá brón orm.)

C’ mere, how do I stop my old doll being a feminist? 

She likes to go all in on things so when St Brigid’s Day landed this week, herself and her friend Kylie signed up for something called a Vulva Workshop. (Two words I never thought I’d be writing in the same sentence.) 

She even arrived home with a clay sculpture of her you know what. It’s up by the telly now. 

I said to her, c’mere love, don’t take this the wrong way but it’s hard to concentrate on the Liverpool match with your ying-yang staring back at me. 

She reared up at me, saying that I was just a sock puppet for the patriarchy, keeping women down with my disrespect for her beautiful vulva. I wasn’t passing any judgement on it, God forbid. 

I mentioned it to Budgie and he was like, nah boy, you can’t let that slide, so now I have a sculpture of my doo-dah up next to hers. I think it’s after getting out of hand. 

Her Mam called over unexpectedly this morning before we had time to get them out of sight, it would have been less embarrassing if she walked on in us doing the business. 

Do you know someone that can help us to de-escalate the conflict?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My cousin is a Conflict Resolution Guru. He’s currently on his second wife. That’s going to infuriate his third wife when she finds out. I wouldn’t use him.

I’m worried about my son, he’s getting excluded at school because of his cheap runners. 

Now when I say cheap, we’re still talking 40 euro, Puma, I got them online, there was only one pair left and they were in his size, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the euphoria. 

But didn’t the p**cks in his class spot that the left shoe is a slightly different colour to the right one and he’s getting a fierce teasing. 

What really gets me about this is that he’s getting teased by new-money boys who se parents crawled down to Cork from Kanturk, landed a lucky job with a multi-national and feel free to advertise their lack of panache by spending 400 quid on their son’s runners. 

And my son, who has yachting in his blood from both sides of the family, is being asked to bend the knee to them on the cost-of-runner front just because his mother was brought up to respect money. 

It’s a disgrace, that’s what it is, and it breaks my heart to see him mocked by jumped-up farmers from north Cork. What do you think I should do?

— Maria, Model Farm Road

For God’s sake, would you ever sell a yacht and buy him a pair of Nike?

I s it ok to dum p someone because they have a cough? My Donal got a cold in late November, you know the way me n are we, all had to hear about it. 

It went away soon enough, but he’s had this rasper of a cough ever since, it’s as annoying as Ryan Tubridy . 

I don’t feel a bit sorry for My Donal because the love went out of our marriage 42 years ago when he slept with my sister. I’d love to leave him but the price of rent is brutal and he’d never be able to afford it. 

I was thinking, I could sound-proof the boxroom and put him in there. The neighbours are very judgemental – do you think they’d talk?

— Rosary, Whites Cross.

I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for the neighbours as well. It must be exhausting being judgmental in Whites Cross. I drove there recently by mistake – there is so much to judge!