Dear Dáithí: My partner is upset because I won't share my phone password

We were watching a movie the other night and I had been having problems logging into my online banking. 

My partner asked me for my phone and my password to have a look at it. I said “no way” in a jokey way, but I would not feel comfortable giving him access to my phone.

He got in a right huff and accused me of all sorts. He asked me what I was hiding and said we should have no secrets between us.

His last girlfriend cheated on him, but I would never do that to him. He’s been very frosty with me since, but I feel he’s trying to control me. Is there a compromise?

I think this is a very common issue and there is never a problem until something like this comes up, and all of a sudden there are questions about trust being thrown around and the air gets polluted and unclear. 

I think it’s interesting how fast this conversation can go down the wrong road.

We can all remember a time when no one had mobile phones and this was not a problem, but they are an everyday thing now and they hold a lot of information about us and, a lot of the time too, it is private and sensitive. 

If someone has the password or pin to your phone they have access to your social media pages, your bank account, work documents, etc, the list goes on.

Here’s the question though, if our husband or wife or partner do have our passwords what are they going to do with them? Nothing, I’d imagine, because that would create an even bigger problem and would definitely be a dealbreaker in many situations.

For example, if you were to go through your partner’s messages and you come across something that you might not like what do you do? You don’t even know the context of the conversation nor the tone of it because you were not there.

We can all read into a situation and most of the time you’ll have got the wrong end of the stick. If someone is checking your messages there is a bigger problem buried somewhere else in the relationship.

You are answering your own question here really when you say that you wouldn’t be comfortable giving him access to your phone. You are totally right to feel like this, other people might think differently about this, and that is fine, but you are you.

Why should you feel anyway uncomfortable in any situation and especially in a relationship? He can huff and puff all day long, but that won’t change a thing.

Relationships are supposed to be safe, happy places and not a place where you’re looking over your shoulder all the time.

I don’t like the fact that he was accusing you of doing something wrong here, that really is not fair on you, and he should rethink that and apologise to you. That was just childish and has no place in any relationship.

However, his last girlfriend cheated on him, so we do need to keep this in mind.

That probably floored him, and I think he is still affected by that, and it can take a long time to get over something like that. So, you need to talk to him and explain a few things to him.

Now if you do feel like he is trying to control you, that is a way bigger problem, and you should get help. 

If that’s not the case, and only you will really know, you need to reassure him that that won’t happen this time and you need to tell him how much you love him. The more love he gives the further away he’ll get from the last bad relationship.

You do say he is a very nice man, and to be fair, ye are together for 18 months which is a long enough time, and outside this episode, everything is going well, so I think you really need to think about this event as a whole.

Is this going to hang over you going forward? If it is, that is not a good place to be. Also, on the other side will he be looking for more of your passwords in the future or will he learn from this?

If this is going to be an issue you may as well knock it on the head, but if he is OK with not having your password — and realising that you are not like his ex-girlfriend — you could be back on track again, once he thaws out a bit. He’ll need to get over himself with that.

I can’t stand anyone petting like that. My mother had a great solution for it, I’ll let you imagine what it was it involved a sock and a hole.

Back to not having secrets, I think we all have some sort of them, and most of the time I don’t even know if they are secrets, or just things we forget to say to each other.

Sometimes, I might forget to tell Rita I’ve had four large hot whiskeys down on top of the pints that I did mention to her. So is that a secret, or just a bad memory? It’s a peaceful life that’s what it is.

I think I’ve more questions than answers for you this week, but I think you know what type of man he really is, you need to chat to him about everything and after that follow your heart.