Ask Audrey: 'I took a look at your house and three words came to mind — Room To Improve'
People Ask Cork Ages Audrey Out Been Has Sorting For
It’s getting competitive on our WhatsApp group Douglas Stunners Selling the Naming Rights to Their House. Fifi_Polyam is forever flashing her mini-mansion to her 150,000 followers on Instagram (148,000 followed her in one week when she started vodka-posting insults about her Ken’s latest, but still). She said her house is one of the most talked about places in Cork and it’s just leaving money on the table if she doesn’t sell the naming rights.
Flo_NewForehead said ya, and anything would be better than the current name, we all fired laugh-out-loud emojis at that comment because Fifi’s house is called My Achievement. Claire_LookAtMyHair said she contacted lululemon to see if they were interested in sponsoring her gaff, total tumbleweed in response which is sly given the 10 grand a year she spends on their flattering gym gear because it’s easier than dieting.
I’m trying to think who I should approach. Obviously not SuperValu because that’s for culchies who love the bogball. My house is Boho Chic Art Deco Mock Tudor, with an IKEA kitchen and a Hyundai parked around the back, it was all we could afford after My Ken was falsely charged with credit card fraud, although the judge gave him 18 months. So do you know anyone who would like to sponsor my house?
Hello dear. I normally ignore anything my daughter says to me, she has brought nothing but disgrace on me and my dearly departed husband Bobby. We were regularly voted Most Refined Couple on the Model Farm Road, so you can imagine our disgust when our Claire moved into a mobile home outside Clonakilty with Charlie, a half-scrubbed hippy from England.
I wouldn’t mind but his parents were doctors. Total waste. Anyway, I mentioned to Claire that I was having joint problems in the cold weather and next thing I know, herself and Charlie were at my door with a bag of marijuana. He skinned up, as they call it, and things haven’t been the same since. It turns out a joint is very good for your joints, I have one for my breakfast every day.
This is a little delicate but it makes me as horny as the woman from Kinsale, and I’ve started having morning sex with Bobby’s brother, Liam. The only problem is my son likes to call unannounced, trying to show he cares in an attempt to get Claire out of the will. How can I tell him not to call in the mornings?
C’mere, what’s the story with doing the dog in Amsterdam? The Old Doll was on TikTok there during the week and she read that Monday, January 15 is the most depressing time of the year, so it’s a good idea to book two holidays, a short city break for an immediate boost and then the summer holiday so you can be looking forward to having a small beer for your breakfast in Spain. (They don’t be a bit judgmental over there — try that in Ireland and they’d be booking you into Tabor Lodge.)
The only city in Ireland worth visiting is Cork, and we live here, so I was looking at abroad, and Amsterdam popped up, flights from Cork, happy days. I’ve only ever been in Amsterdam once, for Budgie’s stag, and the less I reveal about that in a family newspaper the better. All the websites say that Amsterdam has great art galleries, you could visit Anne Frank’s house, go on a boat in the canals, all good stuff Audrey, don’t get me wrong. But I’m a bit worried that one of the sex workers will remember my name. And to be honest with you, it will feel like a bit of a waste if we don’t go to Amsterdam and do the dog on it, do you know that kind of a way? So like, would I be better off in Paris?
Hello, it’s Rosealeen in Ballydesmond. Just my luck, I land the sexiest hunk in Kanturk and he can’t eat with his mouth closed. He approached me in a bar near closing time a few weeks ago and said, “how do you like your eggs in the morning?” I said, “fertilised”, but we still went home together. Oh, what a night, Audrey, I’d nearly swear he’s had lessons. A demon in the sack and there’s no denying it, and didn’t he make me lovely Eggs Benedict the following morning. Unfortunately, I wanted to kill the man, the racket he made eating them, and then slurping his tea like an old age pensioner. Should I give him another chance, or am I better breaking it off now before I start developing feelings?
