‘No one warns you the joy of motherhood can be accompanied by such loneliness’
Contribute To Seclusion Can Issues Parents And And Mental Critical Are Health Social Particularly Physical Vulnerable
“I remember at one point, one child throwing food in the corner, another gurgling on my hip and a third on the horizon and realising I was never alone,” explains Dublin mum, Alana Kirk.
“And yet, gorgeous as my kids were, I'd been ruptured from the adult world where my career had meant everything, and I felt really isolated and unsure. I built day-time friend groups, tried to build a career around my kids, and had a great life, but there were definitely times I felt cast adrift from my old life, and even my old me.”
Loneliness within the noisy bubble of parenthood isn’t uncommon. This time of year in particular it can feel like the walls are closing in a little. The bad weather, dark mornings and empty wallets can make January a tough start to the year, especially after the build-up and excitement of Christmas.
But loneliness is more than a feeling. In the US, some doctors have described it as a major public health crisis, with a recent report warning that social seclusion can contribute to critical physical and mental health issues.
And parents are particularly vulnerable.
But the worst loneliness comes from a feeling of separateness from yourself. Motherhood can render even the most confident woman a dribbling wreck of insecurity. It can be a real dichotomy of life that the bigger your unit grows, the lonelier you can feel.
“No one warns you that the joy of motherhood can sometimes be accompanied by loneliness and the grief of losing a sense of yourself, often a self that was fairly competent and in control,” explains Alana, who is now an author and midlife coach.
“I went very quickly from a single career girl to a multiple mother and wife,” she explains. “I got engaged, married and pregnant within a year and went from having a one-bed apartment but with three whole rooms to myself, to a three-bedroom house with not a corner to myself.”
Dr Hana Patel is an NHS GP based in the UK. She says feeling isolated or disconnected is even more common than we even think.
“I have people, mainly women, come in the surgery and discuss how feeling lonely can even cause physical symptoms. Many feel nervous about or avoid going to social events, or find that they have changed their daily routines, like stop cooking for themselves, yet are still able to care for their children and family.
“Some stop caring about their appearance or may start getting up early, as they find it difficult to get to sleep or stay asleep.”
In other words, it may take a village, but what happens where there is no village? Or if the other villagers are all trapped in the same cycle?
TikToker Chantelle Hibbert was known for her joyful pictures of impending motherhood which she charted on her platforms while pregnant. But just a few months into the birth of her twins, she found herself without support and desperately lonely. It was online that she managed to find her tribe.
“Nobody tells you about the loneliness motherhood comes with,” she writes in one post to her community of mostly parents, explaining that she stays at home while her partner travels for work.
“People only calling when they need something. Everyone only asking ‘how are the babies’ it can be so isolating, but mamas, we can get through it. This too shall pass.”
Although connections between social media use and loneliness are well charted, for some, the stigma of not entirely enjoying every aspect of motherhood keeps many from chatting with close family and friends.
In many cases, social media is the only safe space for such honest conversations to play out.
For myself, it’s presented as more of an enforced solitude. Having to be so many things to so many little people can leave me running on empty. Seeking early nights and long walks feels like a necessary way to catch up with my thoughts. This is something Alana absolutely relates to.
“Nearly two decades and one divorce since I had young babies, that crowded-life-loneliness can still persist,” she tells me.
“Although the ‘separateness’ from myself has gone, it can be hard to find time to be something to myself. For half a decade I was caught in the 'sandwich years' of being pressed between care of young children and care of parents after my mum had a stroke. My marriage ended just as she died, and I was catapulted into single parenting which can be a very isolating and lonely experience.
Being a parent of teenagers can also impact that sense of loneliness because in some cases they have gone from needing you entirely, to being fully invested in their own lives without a backwards glance.
“As much as I love spending time with my teens, being a taxi-driving, clothes-washing, emergency-shop-running, take-away-for-friends-buying, food-making, plate-pick-upping-parent doesn't always feel like a mutually-nourishing experience,” Alana points out.
“The calm after the Christmas chaos can feel particularly hard. I realised that I've been so busy doing, I've not had time for being. My input (including connection to others) hasn't matched the output (all the work, managing, producing and magic-making).
“I see it in the women I coach too. The output of being so many things to so many people, can somehow leave them feeling responsible for everyone's happiness which comes with a loneliness that no-one is feeling responsible for theirs!
“What I try to practise myself, and what I coach often to women, is they have to remember they matter too. Know what you need and make sure you have enough connections and moments where you feel you matter. The truth is that you may feel alone, but you really aren’t.”
- Alana Kirk is the author of Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder, Brighter, and you’ll find her on the Midlife Coach www.themidlifecoach.org
- If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please click here for a list of support services.