Ask Audrey's 2024 predictions, including sophisticated sweating in Cork

But north Cork has always been the poor relation, as we ponder the biggest question of them all - what exactly is the point of Kanturk? The answer is affordable housing for the working from home crowd. I’m getting a lot of letters from new arrivals, asking if there is an app to translate from Ballydesmondese into English; more than one person wondered if you ever get used to the smell. You better get used to it, because north Cork is going to be the cheap version of West Cork without the beenies.

It will be a tricky year for people in the city. Half of Cork is still on anti-confusion medication after they introduced west-bound traffic on McCurtain Street. The big challenge in 2024 is dealing with a huge influx of refugees. From Dublin 4. It’s turning into a Zero Craic city and it’s not like people are foolish enough to move to the Diddly-Aye-Galway.

The biggest challenge is the raised noise levels due to these refugees. Dublin people are very loud, with their entry level Range Rovers. They love drawing attention to themselves particularly when they leave their natural environment. This is a mystery – I’d be mortified if I was from Dublin and would be all out trying to hide it.

There will be plenty of jobs for these new arrivals as long as they know how to operate a mobile sauna. There was a time when sweating was something to be ashamed of – now it’s a badge of sophistication, as long as it’s in a converted-caravan sauna by a beach in Cork. Expect an explosion of these along Cork’s long coast-line in 2024, as virtue signalling sea-swimmers (as if there is any other kind) work up a sweat after a dip and congratulate themselves on being almost Swedish.

Irish people still have very dirty minds because of Catholicism, so rest assured that everyone else in the sauna is silently wondering if this will turn into an orgy. It won’t unfortunately, unless you’re in Kinsale.

And now sport

The Olympics is on in Paris, so prepare for an announcement from middle-class Ireland saying that they have always been fans of boxing. Anything to be associated with success. Prepare for them to ditch boxing if the golfers win a medal, because as my mother likes to say, that’s far more ‘suitable.’

My sources in the travel industry tell me that the latest trend is Praying for a Disaster. This is where Irish people don’t book any summer holidays, but wait for the first forest fires by the Med and then book to fly to that country because the flights will be really cheap. And they said there was no upside to global warming.

They are also predicting an upsurge in Wild Camping. This is where you buy a 6-person tent in Lidl, put it up the back garden, sleep in it for one night and then book a weekend hotel break in Kilkenny, because could you be bothered?

In motoring, I hear that electric cars will become more affordable in 2024. This means that sales will drop off dramatically, because people were only driving an electric car to show off that they could afford one. My Posh Cousin told me that her circle are going diesel again next year because the price at the pumps is so high.

What about abroad?

Abroad means Harry and Meghan. They haven’t had a great 2023. It hard to convince people you’re a good role-model when you’re acting entitled and whingy. I’m expecting a lot of humility from the Sussexes in 2024, mixed in with acts of penance and self-imposed suffering. I wouldn’t be one bit surprised if they moved to Clonmel. And changed their names of Declan and Kathleen. It’s their only hope at this stage.

Political persuasions

In politics, I predict another 561 opinion polls on a united Ireland. There will be no movement in the result with 73% respondents saying they would like to be left alone, or maybe asked a sports question. There will be the usual mutterings that reunification would lead to violence and rioting in Belfast, with Jeffrey Donaldson boom-booming that at last the north would have something in common with Dublin. Funny, funny guy.

There will be a lot of talk about elections this year. We’ll have a new government shortly and posh Cork is wondering if they should move their kids into Gaelscoil so they won’t get picked on by Sinn Féin. I don’t know why the middle classes are so addled – Mary Lou McDonald is posher than Reggie from the Blackrock Road. Actually, I’m told he’s running for President in 2025, it will be great to have a Cork man in the Áras, particularly if he beats Conor McGregor.

The let’s go back to the working from home crowd 

2024 will be the year that a lot of them insist on a return to the office, and not just because things are a bit backward in their new house just outside Kanturk. It turns out that there is only one thing worse than having the same conversation about traffic on the round-about by the coffee machine every day with Eduardo from Tech Support – and that’s not having the same conversation with Eduardo every day. It’s a bad sign when you’re trying to lure the DPD guy into the house, and it’s not even for the ride. (Ok, it could end up as the ride, but you mainly want to ask him about traffic on the roundabout.)

Back to the office isn’t just great news for people who started coffee out of a horsebox business during Covid. It’s also a relief for those going back to the office because they got fierce heat rash from cheap joggers, after wearing them for 13 days without a wash. (And yes I am talking about you, My Conor. You can stop trying to persuade me it as an STD, you didn’t leave the house for a month.)

There is just one bit of bad news. All the jobs will be gone by July because of AI. There are a few lucky bogmen who still think this stands for Artificial Insemination, so they are blissfully unaware that the world is about to be taken over by computers, who will use them as slaves. In fairness, that’s happened already with Instagram and TikTok, I check mine 43 times a day and I do everything that influencers tell me to do because there is nothing on telly. (Has anyone else noticed that?)

We’re told that these cruel computers will turn on us, kicking off a world war and leave the planet as a shattered husk. I would say this to our angry new computer overlords – you better get a move on if you plan to wreck the gaff, because Donald Trump looks like he’ll get there first.

Have a great year!