Bernard O'Shea's 2024 crystal ball: The Tanora phenomenon approacheth

1. Tanora

Long established as a Cork favourite, this tangerine-flavoured drink will break free from the confines of the River Lee and become a viral sensation. 

For some reason only known to the ancient pharaohs, and those Neolithic druids who presided over the ribbon-cutting of Newgrange some 5,000 years ago, rumour is they chanted a spell: “Let Tanora be only available and bought in the rebel county.” 

I love Tanora. It goes very nicely with gin (so I’ve been told). 

However, I’ve stalked the soft drink aisle in SuperValu and can confirm it’s only bought by Cork-adjacent people. 

2024, however, will be a different story. 

It will appear in the background of a Paul Mescal social media post, and every Hollywood personality will quickly follow suit. 

It will then make its way into video games and several Netflix series. 

A viral TikTok dance called the “Tanora Store” will have every child in the county reporting hip and back issues. 

Celebrity demand for brightly coloured pop will surge global consumption. 

It does not bode well for Cork. Its supply will dry up quickly, and Corkonians will demand action from the Government. 

With the Dáil on a knife edge, they form an A-Team-like commando force and grab bottles from the mouths of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lawrence on set. 

Although the price per litre is higher than any commodity, including gold, some order is restored to the streets of Mallow, where fighting has been fiercest.

2. Ireland’s first AI husband

I will become the first man in Ireland to be replaced full-time by ChatGPT. 

In February, my wife will finally have enough of my cleaning duty procedures and programme the air bike I bought during lockdown with the aid of ChatGPT to empty and pack the dishwasher daily. 

The now-intelligent air bike, whose only job was to act as a costly clothes horse, will also start prepping weekly meals and, by April, do homework with the kids. 

The tipping point comes in July when my wife brings the now fully humanised air bike as her plus one, instead of me, to a friend’s wedding. 

I’m also left out of family holidays as the air bike, which she has renamed “Bikenerd” as a blatant insult, apparently is a “massive help” with the kids. 

On their return, she plans on allowing the fully sentient machine to move out of the shed and into the house. I’m 65% devastated. 

However, she catches him in the “act” with a treadmill that hasn’t worked or been used since 2006 and also resides in the same shed.

On reflection, she breaks it off with Bikenerd, and I’m allowed back into the family fold. 

I must sign a legal agreement to do the dishwasher and clean all countertops daily. 

The air bike figures out how to use Instagram and has a decent career as a cheese and wine influencer.

3. Whiskey-powered cars

Move over, Elon Musk: Ireland has solved the energy crisis and how to power cars. 

Due to the flooding of even more whiskey brands into the marketplace, nearly every person in Ireland has started their own whiskey brand. 

At first, there is a drive to infuse the excess whiskey into every foodstuff imaginable. 

However, tighter controls and regulations are implemented when popular corn snack Meanies come out with whiskey flavours. 

However, it’s discovered through innovation, and an accident involving a 1986 Ford Escort, that the excess whiskey can not alone power nearly every car on the road, but produces far fewer harmful emissions. 

Wildlife that inhabit country ditches report having “major hangovers” due to the exhaust fumes; however, this cannot be fully substantiated.

The phrase “one for the road” is reused in the common lexicon to power cars home. 

However, it only lasts for a while, primarily due to the price. 

There are calls for more sustainable energy plans to meet the country’s needs, but this is squashed when it is discovered that a house in the midlands is fully powered with a combination of condensation on the inside of the windows, and a half-drunk can of Lilt. 

Millions of euro are invested into this phenomenon to reduce energy bills.