Ask Audrey: C’mere, what’s the story with Norries who want to be seen from the moon?

I have no idea what to get my new girlfriend for Christmas, because I’m not used to moving in the Lower Harbour circles that she frequents. 

I asked her brother for a few tips but he called me ‘a scobe’ and told me the only way he’d let me into his house is if I was calling to fix a leak in his shower, and even then he’d insist on me using the servant’s entrance. (They have loads of money, I love all of them.) 

This is high stakes for me — there is a guy called Giles sniffing around her, his father has an eff-off yacht in the RCYC — so I need to get a present that says ‘Don’t break it off, please’. 

I know they say a puppy isn’t just for Christmas, but I’d say a nice one could get me in the good books with her until March. What would be a suitable dog to give her?

— Killian, Skehard Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said: “What’s a good dog for Monkstown?” 

She said, “I’d bring a pitbull because it’s way too close to Passage West”.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

To quote the old adage, if he’s there on December 8, you keep him until the New Year. 

It’s the wisest thing my mother said to me by quite some distance — you don’t want to be looking for a new boyfriend in the second half of December, anyone on the market then is damaged goods. 

They’re either no-hopers from Scartaglin or desperate gowls on the rebound who are after getting the bullet for Christmas. 

All of this is a long-winded way of saying I’ll be hanging on to my latest bit of meat, William, he pronounces it Willum because he’s from Kanturk. 

He’s baldy, overweight, and needy, but none of these are as bad as his job. 

Willum, as we must call him, has a dodgy box. He has over 100 of them in his garage, he installs them all over north Cork for people who don’t want to pay for their telly. 

That’s grand for him, but I can’t stop giggling at the notion of his dodgy box and it’s interfering with our love life.

Is there any way to clear your mind of something, I don’t want to drive Willum away because I like a warm arse in the bed around Christmas time?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

Uncontrollable giggling is a nightmare. I wear a blindfold in bed now. 

I told my Conor it’s because I’m kinky, but truth is, I’d be drinking my tears laughing at the sight of his man boobs.

I know, I know, we’ve all done crazy things in our youth. 

I was in Greece 20 years ago after the Leaving Cert with my bee-atches from the Douglas Road and the wine was so strong I fell in love with a guy from Cobh. 

I put a stop to it when we got home and told anyone who asked that he was from Glanmire. 

That should have been that, if it wasn’t for one thing — a tattoo. 

Let’s just say it’s been hindering my attempt to find someone suitable ever since, because it’s hard to keep a boyfriend from Pres when you have ‘Cobh Ramblers 4Ever’ tattooed on your bum cheeks. 

I was thinking of getting it surgically removed, but when I was looking at it in the mirror the other day I was struck by the weirdest thought — I’m still in love with this guy from Cobh. 

I googled him up and he owns a multi-million euro renewable energy business, hands off, I saw him first. 

I rang him there and he’s ditched his Cobh accent and everything, total score. 

We’re going for dinner next week, this is going to be brilliant. Have times changed enough for me to tell my mother that I’m seeing a guy from Cobh, she’s in Douglas Golf Club?

— Jill, Douglas Road

Tell her on one condition — that I’m there to watch. I get such a kick watching Douglas Road matriarchs bawling their eyes out.

C’mere, what’s the story with Norries who want to be seen from the moon?

I know northsiders like to show off, but I’m not able for some of the lights on the houses up near me. 

I can hardly sleep at night with the glare off the lit-up Santa next door — I said it to the lad who owns it and you honestly couldn’t publish his reply. 

Is there a number I can ring to report him to nobby students so they’ll come up and shame him into turning off the lights because he’s ruining the planet?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My niece is studying sociology, that includes barista classes now because it’s the only job they can get. 

I said: “Would you do anything to save the planet?” She said “Totally”. I said: “Does that include picketing an over-lit house on the northside?” She said, “Totally not”.